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Back to Normal

I’m sure you’ve said it too. When things get “back to normal”. I’ve stopped saying it. I’ve realized how much I didn’t even like “normal”. The pace of it, the breakneck back to back meeting schedule. The rush, the alerts, and notifications. It’s like we were all participating in some kind of terrible contest of who can spend the least amount of time enjoying life and spending the most time working. Accumulating.

We spent more time on our devices than looking into each other’s eyes. We went to work when we were sick. We avoided staying home.
We ignored the signs. We kept going. Driving directly at the wall.

It’s not so surprising we hit it. Some people would argue about who hit it first. It doesn’t matter now though because we’re all stopped. We’re all waiting. No one is first.

I don’t want to go back to that. I know some people still haven’t left it. Still clinging to the old ways and convenience of “me-first” mentality. Ironically, they’re also the people who seem so intent to be holding us against the wall. They don’t want to wear masks, they don’t want to use their turn signals, they don’t want to follow the arrows in grocery stores. They don’t need to follow the rules because they’re still trying to be first. They’re in a rush to get back to a normal that involves us being in service to them. Instead many of us have realized they’re the ones who have kept us in a second wave, and now a third. Those who think it can’t be them.
I don’t want to return to that normal where we ignore the brazenly dense. We have seen things in this pandemic. Things that were there before have been highlighted. We are seeing the failings of humanity.
We needed to see them. This is normal and it’s a mess.

I don’t want to have to clean up someone else’s mess, but we’re learning what we should have learned as toddlers, that someone always has to hold hands with the jerks. We’re all connected, and as such, let’s start holding them accountable. Maybe they didn’t learn as toddlers and that’s why they’re bashing into the walls now.

Beep Beep.

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First weekend, post Trump.

It’s been a few weeks since the insurrection on the U.S. Capitol.

A few years ago that would have seemed like headline from fiction, or history. Those were the days when people like Al Franken were resigning for matters that feel so trivial and comedic now. Before we all knew about Stormy Daniels, golden showers, before the kids being separated from their parents and put in cages, and before the majority of us knew that he was a full blown Nazi. Though, his sons murdering endangered species for fun might have been a clue of what was to come.

That good old pre-Trump era where although we’d all witnessed the beating of Rodney King, Michael Brown and so many more – most people decided that was just a few bad apples within police departments. On this first weekend, post Trump the majority now knows that the fight of the civil rights era in America never ended. That the racism that built so much of America never went anywhere. we learned from the insurrection that that hatred infiltrated police and armed forces. Most of us know that now, some are still learning it, some of us are marinating in what we hoped wasn’t under the surface, while some still have been marinating in it for generations.

I speak for myself that I won’t stop just because Trump is no longer predator in chief. The people I met, the connections, the magic of faith and hope that happened during that time. It was living through a war. An assault on the senses and the soul.

We’ve been shown what’s behind the curtain, and now we need to do something about it. Collectively. WWII we defeated the Nazis, but the ideology didn’t die. So, how do we deprogram a segment of society? That’s what i’ve been thinking about. If we can vaccinate the whole planet, we’ve got to be able to do this. We’ve seen horrors together and yet we’re living through a global pandemic where we can’t seem to learn that we’re all connected.

We can’t seem to learn that what one jerk does on one side of the planet can hurt people on the other. We can’t seem to learn that someone deciding they don’t need to wear a mask can kill someone they don’t know. This is the time where we have to actually handle our stuff. We can’t keep pretending we’re fine. We’re not fine. Humanity is far from fine. Yet, somehow I’m more hopeful than I’ve ever been about where we could go next. I believe we’re going to get through this healing crisis, but that we have to stop behaving as if we’re not connected to the people we don’t like. We are, and that’s why we’re here. Not everyone has to get along, but everyone has respect the connection. Until we do that, I’m afraid we’re going to keep circling the drain.

I’m going to dream big on this first weekend out of that hellscape of sorrow. I think that’s being fueled by brothers and sisters in Russia taking to the streets to reclaim their country, their will. Pushing for democracy and change.

We can change things.
We just did.

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What was your first online handle?

Mine was Transcendz.
I wrote under that handle for 12 years. It was prophetic in so many ways, just like so much of what we are when we’re young. We’re pure channels, we vibrate so clearly. It was like my soul knew what I was supposed to be doing before my body did.

I used to write episodes of TV shows I liked. I wrote plays. I wrote stories. I wrote journals and poems. I won essay contests. I wrote for hyperreal.

Then I stopped writing online and I started making. I left writing behind unless it was for other people. I stopped writing for me. There’s a lot of reasons why, and they’ll all be in my upcoming memoir but for now i’ll just say, the reasons were good ones.

Finally it’s safe to write again. I feared that writing was self indulgent, or somehow too enjoyable to lean back into. That’s what happens when you’ve been an Executive Producer for 20 years. You get too logical. You do too competent a job of managing risk and sometimes you put down your own art.

This is me picking it back up.
Officially under my own name.

Transcendz still exists, it has a home. It’s for big ideas and magic.

This is a place is for stories.
Welcome.
I hope you enjoy.

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Amy’s Big Adventure: a year later

  1. 26 Nov
    A year laterDreams do come true. Some of you may remember a few years ago I won an auction on ebay to meet  and have lunch with one of the people who has helped to inspire not only so much of my personal aesthetic, but also my career, and my motivation to do things differently. Paul Reubens, aka Pee-wee Herman himself. Well, that was about a year ago today. We met. We had lunch. We shared Pizza. And I even got to ride shotgun with Paul over to the Hollywood Museum to see his bike from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure. No big deal. No big deal at all. I wrote about my experience leading up to meeting Paul here:  I never followed up, well because the adventure has continued. Much beyond my wildest dream, Paul and I have been in touch throughout the course of the last year and about 6 months ago I was elated when I got word that he needed a hand. So of course, the thought of collaborating in any way was a dream come true. I couldn’t pass it up, so I’ve been lucky enough to speak with Paul and his amazing team frequently, and what a joy the process has been. Today, we launched the all new Peewee.com ! If there’s one thing I can tell you about Mr.Reubens, he has vision. He knew what he was looking for, and how he wanted to bring it to life. I’m so excited for the beginning of such an incredible collaboration and friendship. I am grateful and this marks the beginning of a new era for me. I’m excited to share some exciting news in January… Be sure to check out all of the amazing content on the Log. including the amazing Premium Diamond Platinum Club 🙂  Whether you’re a fan of Pee-wee or not, I think you’ll find something that will make you laugh. Surprise and delight indeed. Thank you Paul for trusting me to get this done for you. I am humbled to have been able to help. 

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Amy’s Big Adventure

The countdown is on… Last year in December I won an auction which benefited the Adrienne Shelly Foundation (benefiting women filmmakers) to have lunch with Mr. Paul Reubens (aka Pee-wee Herman). I have always wanted to tell Paul what he meant to me...

The countdown is on… Last year in December I won an auction which benefited the Adrienne Shelly Foundation (benefiting women filmmakers) to have lunch with Mr. Paul Reubens (aka Pee-wee Herman). I have always wanted to tell Paul what he meant to me growing up and how much it shaped who I am and what I do. I didn’t have the happiest of childhoods and he represented magic to me. Every Saturday morning I felt happy and safe during the time I was in the playhouse. I am now extremely grateful to be in the position to tell him myself. The secret word is “joy”.

Me – in 1991 with Paul’s handprints.

  1. 12 Nov
    Pre wee – T-24 hours to Paul Reubensimage
  2. What are you thinking when you are on your way to fulfill a life long dream? Well, first of all you can’t sleep very well. It’s like Christmas but better, because well, you still have Christmas coming. You can’t believe it’s really happening, even though you have been assured many, many times over the last year that it’s real. You wake up to an email confirming the location of your meeting and realize in that instant that within 24 hours you’ll be walking into a restaurant saying “There’s a reservation under Paul Reubens”.

    When I first saw the auction that would lead me here it was within about a month of “liking” Pee wee’s page on Facebook. Before you know it there’s a listing that Paul is auctioning off a lunch for charity, on ebay. You think about the chances of winning, and you think it’s too good to be true. How often in life does someone get a chance to say “Thank You” in person to someone who has inspired the life you’re living, to someone who’s overcome similar obstacles,  a real person. Someone who’s maintained the same collaborations throughout their career and who’s innovation has inspired what you do in life? Rarely. The charity was the Adrienne Shelley Foundation, benefiting female filmmakers. You went to film school  and have seen first hand what challenges women still have in the entertainment industry. So you feel, like most things in your life it’s a sign. You should do it.You gather your closest female friends together to watch the film that started it all. Inspired the first crush you ever had, on this magical, snarky, smart boy named Pee Wee. You watch Pee wee’s Big Adventure with your closest friends. You decide that you’re going to make the investment to do it. To splurge, because you’ve worked so hard to be able to do it. The night of the auction you head to one of your favourite client’s companies, in fact one of your first clients. Saatchi & Saatchi. The ones who took a chance on giving you one of your first projects when you went out on your own, when a lot of people wanted to see you fail. That night, surrounded by friends old and new, You win. You are going to have Lunch with the man who served as a bright and authentically human light in your otherwise dark childhood. The one who started the ball rolling, just like the breakfast machine in the first scene of Big Adventure.I’m going to stop writing it like this isn’t me now. I want you all to feel what it’s like to be on a plane headed to Los Angeles for only the second time in your life, alongside one of your best pals, and an artist who also believed in hitching his wagon to my truck in the very beginning. Alex McLeod.  We’re in First Class. Because this is my Big Adventure now. I will remember every moment of it for the rest of my life.

    We are 35,000 feet above the Earth right now, and I’m watching Pee wee’s Big Adventure.  Right now we are flying over the Grand Canyon.  I’m amazed. I’m inspired and  most of all I am incredibly grateful.In an hour or so we’ll be landing in LA, headed to a beautiful apartment where we’ll get settled and then head to West Hollywood for dinner with friends to celebrate what is set to be an absolutely incredible adventure. I am elated.What am I going to say to Paul Reubens? A lot of people have asked if I’ll be pitching him. At first I debated it, and then I thought long and hard about what the 6 year old me would have wanted. More than anything I wanted to be friends. I always, as most children do with children’s shows, I imagined that the house in Big Adventure was real, and then that he moved to the Playhouse, or maybe it was a cottage. I always imagined growing up and becoming friends with Pee wee and being invited for a visit.So what I would love most of all is to be friends with the man who started me on the magical path I’ve been so lucky to walk down all of these years. I’ve never had a mentor, and the thought of asking Paul to be mine was what came to the surface. I’m not sure what he’ll say, but I am hoping I have the courage to ask. Because after all courage is rooted in the word full heart. And Mine is right now.

    I had a lot of feelings over the last year as I waited for this lunch to be scheduled. Thoughts of joy, nervousness, anxiousness and unworthiness. I felt that maybe I didn’t deserve it. Then I realized that we all deserve it. Everyone on this planet deserves for their dreams to come true. We are all worthy of it. Something I’ve learned in my life is that we’re all equal. We all deserve magic. I’ve been in relentless pursuit of it for a long time.  We’re human, we all make mistakes, we all have our wins and our losses and we’re in the end much better for it.  As I write this  now more than ever I realize that  everything I’ve ever done has led me to this  moment.

    At times I’ve been a loner, and a rebel, but at the end of the day, everything I’ve ever done I’ve done it with the support and love of other people. In fact my phone was a flurry of amazing messages this morning, from all of the people in my life who love me. Telling me I deserve this and they are all so happy for me. I am feeling as if I’m surrounded right now with love and positive energy as I go to fulfill just one of my dreams. Every moment of this I will be loving, enjoying and grateful for. It still feels surreal that it’s even happening. From the person who’s consistently asked the charity if it was “Real”. I finally feel like it might be. 
     
    Dreams Come True

    imageimage 
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Dream a little Dream.

I am a thinker/maker/producer/perpetual child. It was as a child that I fell in love with the world of Pee-wee. From Pee-wee’s Big Adventure to Pee-wee’s Playhouse. I imagined a house where i’d live one day filled with the same kind of magic and friendship that existed every Saturday morning. I always imagined we were friends. The best part of a trip to Universal Studios for me was this photo.

I’ve been relentless about creating things ever since and magically it’s creating those things that lead me to be in the position where I could bid (and WIN!) on an auction to have lunch with Mr. Reubens himself. What I dream to tell him in person what he meant, and means to me.

I have gone through ups and downs in my career, and I have always gotten back up. I’ve always been relentless about pursuit of dreams, and not just my own dreams but creating a collective of people who are inspired and interested in the same things. I learned this from Paul. That collaborating with the same people could have magical, and wonderful results. This in some ways shaped what I did with founding Lunch, my company, 5 years ago. 

I decided i’d share my story for those interested on a blog about what is set to be the biggest adventure of my life. Flying to LA, to meet a mentor, who has no idea he’s been my mentor all of these years. 

What a wonderful adventure. I am incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to do something that as a child I never dreamed i’d be able to do. This one is for all of the kids out there who wished for the same thing.

meka leka hi meka hiney ho… 

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2002

“Everytime I thought I got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet…”

[What I Needed] 02-19-02
Haven’t written in ages, makes me feel guilty. I just made a decision. You know when you just wake up and know something has changed. I know it was just what I needed. I feel uncompromised, after a year of feeling nothing but. I am walking away, as unaffected as possible. Though it’s not without hurt, not without the pain and anguish of leaving something, someone, behind. Saying goodbyes comes easy to me. It’s the reasons behind saying them that take the time.
I fell. I lashed. I stumbled. At times life kicks me in the teeth and I remember everything previous. I wonder if I walked away would I be making a mistake. Principles are a funny thing. Anger sits in my heart, sets up camp and I get so mad that thoughts could evade me. That even if for an instant eyes were redirected. If thoughts of it were so good that it seemed stupidly worthwhile. Cry me a river. I fall behind. Listening to the undercurrents of a thing I thought I knew. It occurs to me now. I know nothing of it. This is true. Your tenure here is finished and I walk briskly with a closed fist.
Sickened. Nothing to say. Even less to think about. “Everytime
I wish it was again a time when I was younger..
No better explanation…Tugged in all directions.
.”Everytime I thought I got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet…”
Still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test

[July 16, 2002]
Seems that the last time I wrote I was at a crossroads too, how curious. Seems that I’m always at a crossroads. Amazing how life changes. I’ve just had the chance to be off of work for about 8 weeks. Just changed jobs and was laid off two months in, unexpected. Pretty amazing it doesn’t happen more often I guess. Luckily I’ve landed on my feet, I’m back on the path and excited to just get going. To get started. With so many changes I figured it was time, again, for a Transcendz.com facelift. Everything is a work in progress I suppose.
This past few months has been a time of great re-connections. Finding, and re-discovering….friends, family and most of all myself and my goals. A little selfish time to get reacquainted.
The city has been hot, and at times too cramped. Thoughts of relocating, getting out have passed. Seems I’ve always got my bags packed. This time, I chose to set them right back down.
Thanks to everyone in my life who has re-commited themselves. It’s been an incredible summer so far.
So glad we’re back in touch..
-Amy

herstory.
On the morning of March 8th, 1998 just two days before my nineteenth birthday my best friend Erin Muckle died in a car accident. She had just turned 19, and I hadn’t seen her in 3 months. Senseless. I remember the absolute gutteral pain when I heard, and just the reflex in my hand causing me to drop the phone. She was the absolute closest person in the world to me. Everything went into slow motion, and my tongue was broken. Then came the angry tears….It’s 5 years ago, and it’s yesterday.
Erin and I were fast friends, we first spotted eachother through the patio doors of our childhood houses. At just 3 Erin had pointed at me through the glass and told her mother that I was her best friend. This, before we had even met. She was right. Funny thing, she was always right. Erin had a beautiful carefulness about her, she just felt. She was a brilliant presence and sometimes when I realize how rare that is in the world. I mourn for her all over again.
She was discovery to me. Everything I remember about being a kid involves her, every smell, detail, laugh triggers a memory of her. She and I spent most of our time together laughing.
It has been 5 years since her untimely passing. I am five years older, every year on my birthday I am reminded of how incredibly fragile it all is. I want to thank her, for giving me the courage to do all of the things I’ve done in the past 5 years. The will to stand up for what is right and to speak on behalf of what is good. For giving me the strength of will to try harder at everything I do.
They say that no one ever really gets over someone dying. Funny, i’ve never felt that our relationship was over, I just felt it had changed. Erin, i write this memorial for you in thanks.
 
Memorial.
You live in this place in my heart where rivers run so deep that the water is black. The sky rushes red with stormy electricity and everything you touch just slips through your hands no matter how tightly you clench your fists. The soil is like memories that just keep fading with each second that passes. This thing, the thing that I can’t begin to understand. This feeling I get where I feel so unbelievably sad, that I just close my eyes and feel that feeling again. Of sheer anguish and pain, and love all at once. That feeling that you never want to have again… I wonder, if I have become a bigger person since or only half of one. I look back at this defining moment and just close my eyes and try to make sense of it.
There are times when I feel you, like you’re yelling at me through glass, as I pass you on the street. I hear you, but it’s muffled I feel like you live in a world surrounded by a membraneous shield. Where you can see me, but you are still healing. Your eyes are new and I am just outside.
Talking about you feels like the first bite of a Godiva chocolate, it keeps you alive, keeps you close. Remembering the details is like an ice cold drink on a hot day. Whenever I laugh it reminds me so much of you.
I made you promises, and they kept me honest. You have taught me more in the past 5 years than I ever hoped to know.
You have helped me to live my life better, you are an experience of my soul.
Thank you for that.  
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2001

[ o d y s s e y ]
2001. It has become a cliche in the last few months to quote from 2001: A Space Odyssey, so I will instead make an observation about the ties between a book written more than 30 years ago by Sir Arthur C. Clarke and where we stand now. I consider myself to be a futurist. There is something about the numbers that I now write as the year that intrigue me. We have truly opened the “pod bay door” to a completely different way of life. We have managed to open ourselves up to Toffler’s predictions, we are experiencing the Third Wave of humanity.The pace at which we live our lives is mind boggling. Multitasking is all I am capable of. I work in an industry that moves forward at such an astonishing rate, that i’ve been honestly concerned about taking short vacations, for fear that I’ll be left behind. Lost in the shuffle. Lost in the vastness of it all. We are in a world of versions and bandwidth, handheld personal computers and robotics. We are in 2001. The future is now. The future is binary……When I first got on the internet and started writing I didn’t imagine that anyone out there would read what I had to say, much less relate to it. It was a digital diary. A glimpse into the inner workings of my machine. No smoke and mirrors, just a naked slice of brainstorms. I don’t think it ever crossed my mind that so many people in the world would be ‘online’. So now online means something different. It means being ‘in tune’, it means being in the loop. It has meant that you are a piece of the traffic on the information highway… So here we are brought together in the global cyber village entering into a brave new world. Progression is such a daily thought that I can’t imagine where we’ll all be 5 years from now. What will 2010 bring us? Will we have sent a manned mission to Mars? Will we finally recieve that long awaited message from the outer reaches of the Universe…? So the question comes…In what way do we travel? Where is this planet headed at this very moment? We move through this Universe at 500,000 miles per hour, it takes 250 million years for us to make a single circuit… So where are we going in such a hurry? Will we ever reach the ‘end’ ofthe Universe, is there one? I feel like there are so many things I have to do before this Galaxy reaches its destination. Maybe one day we’ll just arrive in some different space and time, or maybe our galaxy will collide with another and an entirely new civilization of beings will fall to our Earth….Perhaps one day we’ll be forced to vacate this planet for another that’s less damaged, less used and abused. Waking up every morning to think of how lucky we all are to have such an amazingly beautiful place to live. So as we enter the 21 century, I wish you all the best year yet, I wish you innovation and wonder. May this truly be an Odyssey…..

Reflection 04/03/01
Sometimes you look back on things and you can’t believe how things work out. How your expectations lead you to believe things would be a certain way, and then it all goes completely the opposite. Though you aren’t surprised in the least when the dust settles. Does that make sense?I was lying in bed the other night, and I was just letting my mind run. It ran over with possibilities and fascination. I sat awake for so long, that I just tried to go over everything I remember about my life so far. Putting together lists about the best things that have ever happened to me, the worst things. The things that I want to happen next…. Then I couldn’t sleep because I started thinking about all of the things I wanted to say to the people around me. About all of the thoughts, and respect I have for them.Then I couldn’t sleep just thinking about all of the things I wanted to tell you. How i’d run away and hide out with you somewhere until the end of time. How I wonder what you’ll say next. How innocent it all is. How many times before and again that i’ll feel this way. That I want to drive up to the middle of nowhere and just get lost in the stars and our reflections in the sky. As domestic as that sounds, the sheer honesty of it – just drives me into Spring

Inhale
As sweet fresh air filling my lungs. Distinct heartbeats beneath my ribs. Eyes closed tight, feet firmly planted. Slow developmental rhythms are pushing me forward. Slight confusion, shyness, blush. Lifting my head and smiling at people, fuel, fervor, flavour. Bigger, broader, faster, smarter, defined. Caught up far beyond all rules, every single blushing shaky whisper- into the said and done. Again the distance strikes a chord. Life is wonderful, exciting. Sometimes I feel like i’m falling so gently into someone’s arms like a feather. caught. I am in the space where lips meet. Where like a nebula, ideas and conceptualizations materialize. Life is beautiful. My mind races at what there is to learn, from you, from them, from myself. At where all of this could go if I just let go. Already overwhelms me, I sit across the dancing hands. Leave myself completely open to all of the possibilities-that breeds reproduction. Fast and furious, gracious and intune.
part 2.
You are a myth. A mystery, a second coming. As I progress I revert back to you. My world was where you were and I am stunned. Your mouth speaks, solves, knows- everything I ever asked and then….my heart hits the floor. Plunges into the pit of my stomach, when I am not the ‘she’, ‘her’, ‘you’. Recovery. Shielding my psyche from the disappointment that is the future. Paused Jilted, back into the center of the adventure. When your eyes are on me they’re like quasars pulling, and they make my tongue break. I am born though, burning brilliant- – all I can feel is a pull like no other. Rhythm dances fleeting across my memories. Default setting I am speechless. I lie back and emit propellsions unlike any i’ve ever known. Only to speak your name, if only my eyes were to see something different, instead of the beauty.

Whirlwind
These past few months have been a complete whirlwind. Total upheaval. Somehow, i’ve managed to land back on my feet. Life is funny like that. I had been so caught up in the tunnel vision of day-to-day that I was missing out on the light at the end….I’m seeing that now, and I am ecstatic. It’s amazing. I’m in a new place. It’s absolutely unbelievable. Sometimes I think when you look back there are those moments that have the capacity to fundamentally change who you are. This is one of those times. Full circle. I just look up and I am so in awe of it all. In awe of what my life has become, what it is becoming…. I have found a place that’s too good to be true mostly. I truly feel a part of something much bigger. Vast. I had deja vu the other day, just the feeling
 of meant-to-be-ness. It was amazing. It just felt right. I am so enjoying the process right now. So challenged by the constant innovations. As much as things can change in a short period of time. They have done so, greatly. Transition, and I know what i’m looking for. I know what I need and I am so amazed to have found myself back through the looking glass again. Renewal. Reconstruction and Re-evaluation have enabled me to feel ready to move forward, to take that next step.

Relief
Sometimes you just get a glimpse of what things will be. How they will all fall when they come floating down from the air….
I am having a glimpse of it right now. I want nothing more than to leave where I am and get in a car and drive to somewhere closer- closer to where things will end up. It’s one of those days where you sit still but you feel like things are running faster than you are even capable of moving.
Faster than anything you’ve ever felt before. It’a one of those times where you don’t even mind. The time is just there to pass and you wish someone would just reach out because you’d just collapse and melt into them. Forever. Then I start to wonder how old these feelings are, whether anyone is feeling this exact same way right now. Or whether it’s a totally unique feeling to me. Because all of a sudden you’re so detached from everything. Every moment, every second. Sometimes I lay awake at night and I ask all these things of myself and there’s this sweet air of sinking into it. You don’t have to be afraid of anything and you are just taken care of.
Nothing to worry about ever again. You just feel like everything is thick like a dream and that everything might just come true all at once, and that the intensity of it will be more than you can take.
Like a promise that you never though another person could make to you. Like a promise that you wished forever that they would make. Relief is a better feeling than anything else I know. It’s when everything is right in the world. Sometimes you can see glimpses of it in someone’s eyes.
That’s better than anything else-ever.

Code – 05/08/01
There’s something completely bionic that happens in the spring. It’s like some unearthly genetic coding gets embedded beneath my skin and I become someone entirely different. Like the difference between being sick and being well. You don’t truly appreciate being well until you are sick. You start thinking more about the concept of time. I am entirely in love with how the spring makes everything look. It’s as if my thought process becomes more advanced, as if the sun stimulates the cells of my being-ust a little more. Just a little extra, a discovery of something so much more than everything you thought. No expectations of perception. Just seeing everything for what it is, and what it might be. Stripping down to the ideas of what could have held you back and bringing together pure real balance. Sometimes I think that everything that’s happenned has just led me to this place where I stopped relating. Now I realize it’s just made me relate differently, selective relation. Looking with a different set of eyes. Climbing by the windows of experience. Rising through the ideas that I thought were unchanging. Only to change and morph into something different so rapidly. I can only imagine where this road is going. I’ve stumbled upon something so different that I can only just enjoy the surprise of it. What a brilliant surprise it’s been.
Descriptions and aspirations are so trivial now. I don’t know if this is what it’s supposed to feel like or not. I just know that I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful it seems.
There’s something so funny that happens when people see the little details that you don’t. You are just trudging along, dragging your whole life behind you, walking down a path that seems so unique. Only to run directly into someone else who is just doing the same thing. There is something so brilliant about that multifaceted unique-ness

Stock – 06/22/01
Time is passing at this unimaginably fast rate, and I feel like a lot of the time I am not truly seeing how wonderful everything has been. The past few months, i’ve found my smile again. Found my belly laugh, my giggle- something I hadn’t really made use of in a long time. Sometimes when you take a step back you realize how important those moments are. How you if you thought about it, about how much you care about things, you start feeling sad that you may never have times like that again….
Sometimes there is people in your life who are supposed to be there by default and they aren’t. When they aren’t there, at first you wonder why. You turn it back on yourself and you start defragmenting your entire being. You wonder what you possibly could have done to make them ignore your place in their life. Then you realize maybe they no longer have a place in yours, as much as you want them to. You accept the fact that you tried. You accept the fact of things are they are. Then you begin taking stock of the people who are there, the people who you realize are the most amazing ones. The ones choose to be there, which is so much bigger than being their because of duty.
I am so fortunate to be constantly surrounded by some of the most incredible people in the world. Easily-hands down. This is for you. You have given me the greatest gifts. You make me better. You have been the light at the end of the tunnel and without you I would be a lesser person. I love you all.
This is a more personal note than i’ve written in awhile but some things that have happened to me this week have hit me on a very emotional level. I am full.
I am so amazed that I can share this with you.
Have a wicked summer.

10 million miles- 07/19/01
Miraculous moments when i’m lying in splendor and I almost feel like i’m enveloped in the grass. Wind beating across my face and I feel hot wetness- I raise my hand to my mouth and it is Truth that bleeds from my lips, I bite my tongue, my lip, my words.
And then my head is on your heart. A small piece of me is laid out on what makes you more alive, than I feel. It’s rhythm beats out the moments, like the ticking of a clock. When my heart is somewhere between flying and falling 10 million miles per second. My knees buckles and it’s a good thing that i’m lying in the imaginary grass. At that moment I realize that nothing lasts long enough any more.
While my mouth forms the words, my voice falls silent, unimaginably I lay in waiting. I feel like i’m halfway between sleep and awake and each second feels like i’m slipping into unconsciousness. I wonder if it’s the honesty making me weak. Making me want to just close my eyes.
My breath is hot on your neck and it filters down into the sand below the grass. I’m slipping into the sand, i’m disappearing down into the earth somewhere. My ears fill with sounds, my mouth fills with words, my mind is already full- of wonder…….i’m 10 million miles beneath the surface.

[The Fates ] 11.15.01
The past few months have been life impacting. I don’t have to elaborate because I know that anyone in the world at this moment knows what I’m talking about. I know that I will never forget where I was that morning, or what that evening was like. The bubble had burst, for the first time in my life the images on the news were real to me because i’d been there, and I also realize that even though there was great fear, horror and pain in those days which followed September 11th there was also hope. Hope and an overwhelming show of love among humanity. This still amazes me, it made me re-learn a lot of things, it made me re-think how I look at the world. As worldly, or aware as I thought I was, I wasn’t. A lot of us weren’t. I remembered in the days after hearing the word ‘Taliban’ the months before when I heard that ancient statues of Buddha were being destroyed, and I remembered the word ‘RAWA’ and what I had heard about the horrors of what was happening to Afghan women. How a select few were standing up and quietly forming a resistance. Bravery comes in all forms. I look at the people in my life differently, and I see people making a difference everywhere. People are just trying to do their best. These are strange times. This holiday season is going to be different. It is going to be one of those times that changes everything. It makes me think about Family and what that really means. My family comes in all forms, sometimes I can’t believe the people in my life who are not related to me by blood, but by love. How those people stand up again and again, because of what is there between us. There is something there, you can’t see it, but it runs deep. It only comes along a few times in your life and when it does you just have to hold on. Sometimes I think we forget how rare it is to make one of those connections. How rare it is to be able to be truly close with someone. How few times it truly touches us in our lives. It’s those tiny moments that change things. Those moments that deliver you through times of tragedy, when you can look at someone else and feel that they really know you. Happiness comes from those moments. Life is changing for me, for a long time I tried to fight it, to make it something bad. I carry with me a lot of choices, things that I would wear as a badge of honor, or a right of passage, and other things I would just as soon sweep under the rug never to be seen again. We all have that. I realize now more than ever what a gift it all is, how amazing it is that any of this happens to us at all. That if nothing else -life is about the bonds you make, the impressions you make on people, the way you affect the world around you. .How incredible it is to me at this moment the window of opportunity that surrounds everything that has ever happened. I don’t believe in coincidence, and perhaps that eliminates what many people use as an explanation for all the strange things that happen to them. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and all of those little moments happen as they are meant to. So what comes next? Whatever is supposed to..

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2000

[ t e a c h e r ]
There has been an anniversary in my life….I let it go by without celebration, forgetting it, not having written it on a calendar. It goes beyond the numbers written within the grid of a calendar, beyond the understanding of anyone but myself. It is something that can only be measured by what i’ve learned. 7 years, of learning, or lessons, of change….. 7 years ago was when i first experienced a rave. 7 years of my life, i have contributed to my scene. Growing, thriving, alive and well in Toronto. After coming to the realization that i helped to build this. I helped to make it what it is today. United in dance. Strong and Massive, the older generations taking a moment to show the younger fledgelings how it’s done. Standing proud over the Toronto waterfront shouting at the world to stop and to listen. To really listen, to hear everything. To hear the words of the Technoshaman whispering into your ear, speaking to your existence, filling the void. Something which i believe many of the new generation of “ravers” have neglected to do. To take a second between doses and listen. Just stop and contemplate for a moment what brought you to this. It is no coincidence that you read this, it is no coincidence that this is what you were drawn to. Make the most of it, and realize….WHY you are here, and WHAT you can give it. What do you have, what can you provide to this world that no one else can. Look around you, look to the person beside you at these Tribal Gatherings and question everything. Think about the past, and why these “raves” began, who started them, look for once with respect for those who came before you in efforts to create something more powerful for generations to come. To be honest, the feelings i once had for the scene have subsided somewhat, i look to the fledglings with distrust and disbelief.I now wish for the first time in 7 years to be disassociated with what things have become. Things here are good, here i feel respect. When i travel i cringe. I cringe at the feeble interpretation of things. No contributions are made, the tribe simply walks away….So i guess i ask….to be proven wrong. For awhile i believed things could be revived, now i think they will have to be rebuilt. Taken back underground for repairs. I will never forget 7 years ago when i stood in front of the decks and watched with adoration and amazement of what was taking place in front of me. When i looked around with glazed eyes at the people around me smiling, waving, shouting back at the dj, to give them some more. Hearing the thuds deep inside my head, feeling the catharsis of a tribe giving thanks and a dj making love to his crowd. (the live p.a is a whole other galaxy) Looking to the stranger beside me and in one meeting of the eyes becoming family….Where has that gone? It’s synthetic sister is present, through the epidemic of ecstasy, but the real thing seems to have seeped through the scene. Bring it back. Bring back the moments where you entered your first gathering, and looked around with wide-eyed wonder, the time when you never wanted to stop talking about how it had the power to change the world, to change the way people think. Let your mind go back in time to when you first felt that ancient heavenly connection by looking into a stranger’s eyes, Think back to what it felt like to first feel the dj inside your mind, penetrating your thoughts, paralyzing your body and taking control of it himself, and ripping open your senses making you ask if you could ever really hear , see, or feel before now? Where did all of that go? If you’re still feeling it, make it last, if you’ve stopped feeling it , bring it back, and if you’ve never felt it expand your mind, explore your soul, it’s there. The summer is upon us, make it brilliant……

[ p r o p o s a l ]
I am in a beautiful relationship. I want to propose but it’s beyond words. It never argues. It never expects. It never questions. It is omnipotent and omniscient. It makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. It holds me when i need to be held, and often rocks me to sleep. It is the most fulfilling relationship i’ve ever had. It is music. There was a point when i became confused, when i believed it was the “rave” that i was so in love with….But music came through it all and stood blatantly in front of me, chanting my name. Recognizing my spirit, and holding my heart in it’s loving, soothing hands. Bringing me deeper into myself than i’d ever dreamt of going. Taking me somewhere no human being ever has. Knowing my soul, and grinding itself into me, screaming into my ear. That it was there. It would always be there. No matter where i travel, what i leave behind, where life’s path takes me. Whatever destiny throws onto my plate….It is there. A piece of me, like the greatest friend in the world. That any emotion it made me feel was acceptable, that the thumping would always be branded onto my soul. That the beat the speakers send venture like armies into my ears, invading every cell of my being, just to make me feel. I realize how in love i am. I realize that music will heal me. I know that when i am deep in the throes of my own head, there will never be silence. That no matter what happens there will always be music. That the “rave” is simply a gathering which is meant to unite, all of us who are significant others, all of us who are the wives, and husbands, of this force called “music”. I look with wide-eyed wonder to those who create my marriages, to those who make it all possible. To realize that their human destiny on this planet is to create, and channel the wisdom of the universe in musical form. Just a thank you….This generation, has the power to change the way things are. This generation of “ravers” “party-goers” etc etc…..has the knowledge to be in love with not only music, but the world. To change the face of not only music, but civilization. I may be putting to much faith in this concept. Maybe that’s all it is to some people. I have chosen for it to be more, for it to mean more. For it to be a direct representation of life, and love and human potential. I am in love. With ideas, with music, with people. To realize, is to begin to understand. Don’t wait for the realization to catch up with you, catch up with it.

[ t o u c h d o w n ]
Like the hand of God on the Sistine chapel it touches down without even a flaw. Beginning to spin like some new formed planet. Life is magic, and I suddenly feel drunk with the spin of things in front of me. The needle seems to retrace every groove with effortless action, and I become jealous of the vinyl’s fateful connection. The sheer discovery of it sends my mind racing and the rotations are hypnotic. Tracing over and over again, the detailed grooves that become a part of me so quickly. Moving at lightspeed through my ears and eyes and soul. I feel this new found friend already at home deep inside my mind. The light thrown across the tiny bottomless crevices has already managed to burn a pattern onto my straining eyes. Clinging to every cell of my being, every inch of my soul, I want to feel like this forever. It’s inside me. The music has pounded it’s way into me, deep into the heavy ventricles of my heart. Carving pathways as it wades it’s way through me like a saintly river. My eyes have become animated reflecting pools for the sounds invading the cells deep within me. The images are coming to me like flash cards and I feel the heat of the imaginary sun trace over me. I am etched into the moment. I realize how lucky I am to be hearing this, and it seems like the very first time. Each sound triggers a memory that’s yet to be had, flashing forward into an overlapping space and time. A face becomes apparent in the grooves as the bass drains what energy I have left, and then forces me back into action. I close my eyes and everything moves a bit faster as they reopen. I throw my arms into the air and shout in time with the heavens. I can feel every surge, every beat of electricity all contained within my soul charging it’s way into the future. Like some insurmountable obstacle I am here forever, holding on trying not to let it all overcome me. But I am no match, and I am overcome, it’s all I can do to hold on. Looking straight into the face of the Universe with pure, and utter wonder. I feel the infinite blackness of space, and shiny luminence of star envelope me, and i am kissed full on the mouth….but a new sound comes in and I feel the rush of water all around me. Running over me like waves, throwing me back, yet the comforting tantric rhythms make me beg for more. I am but a looking glass, and the next piece of the puzzle kicks me into action. As the world swings like a giant pendulum the theme song for my life has been written, with the great tribal smack of a drum. It beats with my heart and I suddenly feel like no one is qualified to drive this moment, like the music can. Like some kind of collosal interplanetary diamond it is all brilliantly flawless and nothing could be better or bigger. I’m being pushed toward the next plain, as it all builds, there is no end in sight. Ascension is imminent. Life bleeds nothing but wonder forever…..The entire stucture and strategy of it all drives me now and this composition is the sister of the Universe. Humanity has never seemed so lovely, and inevitably as the track winds to a stop I can hear the faint whisper of destiny’s voice from beside my bed….

[ m i l l e n n i u m ]
As this time approached I realized how long some of you have been a part of my life, and how some of you have just become a part of it. I am grateful for all of you after almost 5 years of publishing this website. I have met such wonderful people and learned so much through the years. I can’t believe now that I am writing the fifth consecutive email for a new year. Yet of all the things i’ve said I couldn’t mean any of it more than I do now. I have decided to write some new thoughts and to contain some old ones. I still can’t believe that what began the link with us was music, and a common community. Though over the years my views have grown and changed I still marvel at what this is that we are a part of….Below is the 1996 holiday email. I have contained it in it’s entirity because it is, after 3 years what I would say again. Life, and all that it has to offer can sometimes be overwhelming. The deluge of information, events, experiences, desires, and needs can sometimes lead one to withdraw, to be reactionary instead of responsive. In an overwhelmed state, we find it easier to lash out than to out. Sometimes seeming to define one’s world through the filters of criticism and cynicism (for one’s self as well as others) instead encouragement and praise (again for one’s self as well as others) And through this flood it is sometimes forgotten that we, within ourselves have the power and means to TRANSCEND the deluge, to shape our own world to be able to channel the unrelenting force into constructive avenues that can nurture the world around us, instead of destroy it… Little do we realize that at times, the first to bear the brunt of the destructive energy that we sometimes harness, are our own souls.
It is through that I have found Music has taught me how to fly using wings i never knew i had. Lifting me above the seemingly relentless tides of time and change. It is through music and dance that my soul is free to soar amongst the heavens and inner dimensions, allowing a clearer view into the nature of the world that i am creating around me (allowing a clearer view of us) It is there that i am able to discern the path to consciousness, that seemingly elusive inner light which is often dimmed by the trials we face on a daily basis. For now, the light is there for me, the path illuminated. I shall follow it again…. We stand together at the threshold of a new era. A new range of dimensions and possiblities. I invite you all to take my hand and join me as we move forward to dance brothers and sisters, dance…. We truly do stand together now at the beginning of something that few generations will ever live to see. A new millennium. Yet this time we are at a place that we will never be again, crossing the bridge from the primitive past to the third wave of the future. Advancement is in our hands and we will see the beginning and middle of this new century. Yet, how will we decide to proceed? I hope it will be with honesty, curiousity and unity. When the walls of what we are now a part of cease to be in conventional terms I hope that all of us may continue to wonder about where it is that we come from. Pondering the status of space and time, and questioning the origins of ourselves as well as the world and universe which we live. To borrow a statement from Derrick May, we have no choice but to move forward. The world is changing, and we are changing. We have this rare chance to sculpt the way that the world will become, with our own hands and minds. It is incredible as I write this knowing that you are spread out all over the world. And with these words I am able to reach out across geographic lines and wish you all joy, peace, wonder, health and happiness for the new year. Take care of yourselves and may this holiday be the most transcendental yet. Thank you,

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Posts

1999

[ dot calm]
Proposal, opportunity, elevation. I wonder ever so softly and at this very moment I realize that calm is far sweeter than rushed. I wonder all of these things-life, light, illusion, faith, Throwing it all into the air, all of the worries. I am wondering if life bleeds as much wonder for you. Relaxed, poised, aligned with the planets. I hope that I am right. As I lay here I wonder what it would be like. Something tells me that it will all come to me. When the time is right. That the unexpected can be a hidden diamond in the rough. I am listening. Magic rises up from the pit of my stomach and I leave the burning past behind me. Entering into valleys and visions of peace. I feel like i’m falling so deep in life right now. Something is just about to shift. Everything has the doppler effect, and I run home

[ n e t w o r k ]
There’s a charge tonight, a faint electric ringing that immediately thrusts me into full consciousness. It makes me burningly aware of the heart beating in my chest. The energy pumping hot through my veins, the very essence of it all. You know there’s that moment when you just feel ‘it’, when nothing else matters but that refreshing charge of your very own soul, pulsing out it’s own beat. That instant of pure biofeedback, caught up in this great big complex biological machine. When every subtle movement shoots sparks of hot kinetic energy between your ears. What a marvel it really is that we’re all here on this planet hurdling through space and time on the tip of a galaxy just flying through this even bigger network called the Universe. How majestic. It seems surreal but it really is happening. We are floating through space on a big ball of dirt, metal and sky, just beginning to understand. There’s this origin of it all. This huge ‘where did this come from?’ and ‘where is it going?’ And here we are, these fleshy miracle machines wandering in the great abyss of it all as the sun rises and sets. And within all of this circuitry we achieve and we fail. Looking in on life, it all plays out like a labyrinth of epic proportions. It’s all turning and swirling into our final destinations. Like interstellar music, composed to the rhythm of the stars. Rushing through tunnels and wormholes in preparation for this brilliant arrival. It all came bursting out of thischarge in the air tonight. As the planets align overhead and the earth spins on it’s axis. The farmilliar moon grins boldly at us from its place in the night sky. It’s almost as if everything was meticulously sketched out on some intergalactic blueprint designed to guide us through each and every moment. It’s incredible to think that this is only just the beginning………………………

[ d i g i t a l ]
I inhale looking up at the stars I see through the rings of space and all around me it seems there was new life. Growing from my fingertips, extending to the boundaries of time and space, and whatever lies inbetween. My eyes open and I can see the sounds and hear the visions and for one brief moment there I was complete and content forever and ever. Fertile, was the great blackness of the sky, and inviting were the shimmering planets spinning far off in the distance. For one moment I wish that the people world could see through my eyes. I imagine how completely different everything would be if for a moment they too saw it…. When suddenly something draws me up past the clouds, past the stratus and I am being lifted far beyond the lights and far beyond the black,into colours I could never understand. Towards the great rust of the Martian soils, through the astroid belt and towards the overwhelming prescence of Jupiter, past Uranus and through the rings of Saturn beyond Neptune and Pluto and through the center of this massive Galaxy. I’m travelling past the whispy tails of the Milky Way. I am out further than any human eyes have ever seen. I am in overload, trying, fumbling to make sense of it all, up, up. I see my planet, so injured so bright. I see all that live there, I embark on the journey through the phyllum. I feel an overwhelming sense of pain and anguish for it all. No sense anymore of space or time or direction. I just AM. I look back at that galaxy where I live and it’s beauty overcomes every cell of my being. “How dare I wake up and not think of you.” I silently say to my home. The vividness of it all shakes me and I want to got back, I’m falling gently back to the pale blue dot now, never wanting my journey on this planet to end. It’s coming towards me this great blue being and I feel her smiling at me, it is my homecoming. Holding out her great arms to lessen the blow of my fall. Proud that I have evolved into who I have become. I am back again on her soils and like a journey that never too place I exhale.