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1998

[herstory}
On the morning of March 8th, 1997 just two days before my nineteenth birthday my best friend Erin Muckle died in a car accident. She had just turned 19, and I hadn’t seen her in 3 months. Senseless. I remember the absolute guttural pain when I heard, and just the reflex in my hand causing me to drop the phone. She was the absolute closest person in the world to me. Everything went into slow motion, and my tongue was broken. Then came the angry tears….It’s 5 years ago, and it’s yesterday.
Erin and I were fast friends, we first spotted eachother through the patio doors of our childhood houses. At just 3 Erin had pointed at me through the glass and told her mother that I was her best friend. This, before we had even met. She was right. Funny thing, she was always right. Erin had a beautiful carefulness about her, she just felt. She was a brilliant presence and sometimes when I realize how rare that is in the world. I mourn for her all over again.
She was discovery to me. Everything I remember about being a kid involves her, every smell, detail, laugh triggers a memory of her. She and I spent most of our time together laughing.
It has been 5 years since her untimely passing. I am five years older, every year on my birthday I am reminded of how incredibly fragile it all is. I want to thank her, for giving me the courage to do all of the things I’ve done in the past 5 years. The will to stand up for what is right and to speak on behalf of what is good. For giving me the strength of will to try harder at everything I do.
They say that no one ever really gets over someone dying. Funny, i’ve never felt that our relationship was over, I just felt it had changed. Erin, i write this memorial for you in thanks.

Memorial.
You live in this place in my heart where rivers run so deep that th water is black. The sky rushes red with stormy electricity and everything you touch just slips through your hands no matter how tightly you clench your fists. The soil is like memories that just keep fading with each second that passes. This thing, the thing that I can’t begin to understand. This feeling I get where I feel so unbelievably sad, that I just close my eyes and feel that feeling again. Of sheer anguish and pain, and love all at once. That feeling that you never want to have again… I wonder, if I have become a bigger person since or only half of one. I look back at this defining moment and just close my eyes and try to make sense of it.
There are times when I feel you, like you’re yelling at me through glass, as I pass you on the street. I hear you, but it’s muffled I feel like you live in a world surrounded by a membraneous shield. Where you can see me, but you are still healing. Your eyes are new and I am just outside.
Talking about you feels like the first bite of a Godiva chocolate, it keeps you alive, keeps you close. Remembering the details is like an ice cold drink on a hot day. Whenever I laugh it reminds me so much of you.
I made you promises, and they kept me honest. You have taught me more in the past 5 years than I ever hoped to know.
You have helped me to live my life better, you are an experience of my soul.
Thank you for that. 

[ t i m e ]
I figured it was about time for me to write something insightful. Much to my dismay I discovered this month that my favorite promoters, the ones who made Toronto what it is today, are having some problems keeping things going. Perhaps due to funds and whatnot or the changes brought about in the scene. Dismay? Their dedication to the cause through the years to keeping the scene here brilliant, brings tears to my eyes….How will the loss of such a groundbreaking company affect Toronto? Syrous. This all made me think, debate, ponder. What can I do? I feel as if the ship is going down and I am the only one bailing out the water….with my hands. Everyone else seems to be just standing around picking lint off of their clothes. For the first time in a long time, the future of things here seems uncertain. I suddenly feel as though all my dedication has been flushed away into the hands of some negative adversary….Although today I received the announcement, that the show will go on. With a 4 year anniversary party in Toronto September 20th. If you are near, or can afford to be in Toronto for that date, the fate of Drum and Bass/Jungle promotion depends upon your existence that night. Perhaps the company will change hands, but will it ever be the same. Deep Blue changed my life. But that’s not really what I want to write about. I want to write about, those lint-pickers that i mentioned earlier. Those ‘passengers’ just standing around enjoying the scenery.I have recently become more worried with the fate of this subculture that we’re a part of. I feel as if i am handing my baby to a pack of wolves. Handing down what we’ve all tried to hard to build to a crowd who could care less about what things are to become. That saddens me for some strange parental reason. Now with the decay of huge organizations like Syrous, due to lack of funds, and support…..What have things become? Taking things back underground seems inevitable, but what are we to lose in the process? With all these thoughts looming in my head, and with my return home, I seem to have a different perspective. I suppose all this time has felt like an investment to me. Maybe what i have invested in is slowly losing it’s value. Yet i am struggling to come out of it all with a profit, as well as to keep things brilliant so that those who come after will be able to profit and learn as well. Maybe i am putting all my eggs in one basket here, but time has never felt so precious as those moments when i have stood face to face with destiny, and felt the music inhabit my soul. I want everyone to feel that. But will they? I suddenly feel like it’s up to me, to make it happen for them to provide the next generation with a wealth of experience to draw from….but is it? when is it time to walk away….for me…not now, not a month from now, not ever. I have had the priveledge of having this music branded forever upon my soul. I will remain with it, continue to invest my time, energy and emotion….but will you?

[ c o n v e r s a t i o n s with the u n i v e r s e ]
Life is presented on this galactic platter for us to live, to paint with. Angels are not mythical creatures. They are advanced souls living in the forth dimension. One full of energy and nothing else. No excuses, explanations, or wrong doing. Just purity. I suppose the second that one becomes coherent in this world, is the second one realizes thier capability. Human destiny. Full of potential, inner nature. It’s really bizarre to think of how little we as a civilization really know about ourselves. Distinction of “us” from “them” has never been a problem, it’s the distinction of oneself that has become viral. Never a dull moment on this planet. Always something to be doing, never usually anything to better humanity. Just something to better one’s place in the universe. Without knowing who the self is that you wish to ‘better’, self exploration becomes selfish. Everyone has that selfish drive within themselves, what varies is the amount which occupies one’s soul. Everyone claiming that they’re working towards something or other. Then taking off into oblivion along with the rest of the world. Life is lessons. Education. That is the secret of the universe. Life is one big school, and like school some students are willing to listen, some distracted, some don’t even understand the concept, and some can’t be swayed away for even a moment. Sometimes some students will require extra help, some enrichment, and so goes life. You know each one, the rarity? The scholar? No. There are plenty of scholars out there. The teacher is the rarity. The teacher that resides deep within oneself. Deep inside the scholar is the teacher. Forever teaching and forever learning. Yin Yang at it’s best. Two parts of the human self.. Teacher and Scholar. Combining to create the soul. The electrically charged force behind each of us. The principle reason why we are, the way we are. No interpretation. It just is. Goes without accessment. And well it should, and so the learning begins as a new soul is created by the powers that be. Thrown together, the map laid out, electrically charged, matched with a container to hold it, and born unto earth in the human body. The new soul has lessons to learn, mistakes to be made, rules to break, just a test run of the new parts. Finally ending with the completion of the first tier of it’s fate. Kindergarten if you will, and if all goes fairly well, graduating to the next level. Level 2 begins, similar, new rules, perfecting some of the lessons already learned and continuing on , until one day the soul has a self realization, self actualization, suddenly all of the souls lessons and days start flooding back. The soul becomes farmilliar, the soul graduates to the next dimension. Sometimes soul’s are “held back” in this school. Not yet ready to realize their journey, coming back to school again and again, until one day reaching true enlightenment and finally the Advanced soul gives back to the Universe what the Universe so selflessly gave to her. This change, this knowledge. This opportunity to become a part of this brilliant universal galactic machine with it’s infinite wisdom and worlds. While the lessons of life on earth continue on somewhere else in space and time. Those who have advanced, create. Bringing different elements to the Universe that never would have existed without their creation. The completion of several sectors and continuation of life and all it represents, spinning on it’s ever widening axis. That is distinction. ………

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Posts

October 1998

It’s cool, crisp, new.

Wrapped up tight in a blanket made of every moment i’ve ever spent with you. 

From tiny eyes i’ve peered dreaming about this feeling. Holding on to the autumn air a little longer than I should.

Counting down, the breaths baptising my mind. 

I’ve come clean to you so many times. 

Bundled up in life, warm hot sips. 

Eyes fluttering into a dream filled sleep 

Where you are near and all is sweet.

Blowing past the cloudy daze 

I feel your voice speaking through this place. 

Making my world go round is the energy sent through me when I transcribe

Our bond to words

Just take me by the hand and love will serve the universe.

Warm and comfortable. 

Categories
Posts

1997

[ e x p a n s i o n ] to see this article as it originally appeared on hyperreal please follow this link

After transcending both, my body and mind recently in the depths and darkness of the deep underground called “rave” . Hearing one man’s words ring out in the dead of night and become my own, after releasing every cell and nerve of my being to the beats and bass. I realized something about this level of existence that we are all sharing. No matter what race, creed, or religion, the ability and power of transcending all of the minor details. It is all about making that choice. It may be different in detail from anyone else’s but essentially it’s the very same decision. To go beyond what’s on this level and accept things as they are and work with them in this dimension. Or to lead a life which works towards some higher place, always just our beyond reach. There is a path. Some of us know the way out of the darkness and some of us get lost in the density. There is always a choice. Everything is a choice. Whether you let something break you, or make you stronger. Whether you add it to your roster of experience or let it take away from you. It is a choice. That remains constant. I want to borrow from perhaps among the most beautiful words ever spoken.. “With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.” Those words spoken so many yearsago ring true to us today. They can be applied to our scene. They can be applied to ourselves. They can be applied our existence. They must be applied to our future. I believe in the strengh of this generation. I believe that this thing called “rave” should be a direct reflection of life. That it is possible to take “plur” beyond the doors of an event. It all begins with you. The future is uncertain for us. Let’s face it, all predictions, prophecies, and superstitions point toward the end of the world as we know it in a few short years. I too believe that. The world as we know it has to end. It has to change. So is this concept called “raving” and “plur” to be a drug infested epidemic or a model for our future. That it’s time to put aside our differences and focus on what we all have in common. Beyond “rave”. Technology is at the forefront of our generation, the face of global communication is changing. We can make it a global link, take advantage of our techno-babied generation or we can follow in our fore-father’s footsteps and leave another generation lost. Technology too is at the center of our scene, once again a microcosm. Within the scene some of us have already made the choice to transcend out of “rave” and into our everyday world and apply that same philosophy to our lives and begin making a difference. The time has come to realize our futures. I too have a dream……

[beach txt]
Glancing around at everything that makes up me, and I can’t help but wonder how everything fits in. Laying naked I can feel the breeze coming off of the lake, surrounding me like a bubble of emotions, all running high. Writhing around in the sand without you, burying myself in the newness of it.The cold deep sands embrace every inch of me. The earth seems to swallow me up and I look to you to pull me up out of it all. All I can smell is the sweetness of the sea, and the aroma of something cooking down the beach. All of a sudden I’m feeling too drunk, and I see you walking up along the shoreline. I focus in on this approaching figure, and all of a sudden you’re scooping me up and taking me with you. Tasting the very essence of the day, and we live by the ocean. I sometimes get up at night when you are sleeping and plunge myself into it. Feeling my toes anchoring themselves into the eroded soft sands, and I let myself float with the currents. As the moon gently pulls at the tides, I float out to sea. Just thinking of you, while I imagine the curve of the earth, as I just float along through space. Wondering where the tides will take me, and I wash up on the beach, and run into the house. For hours I sat watching the sea, wondering if that’s where I came from. When the sun started to come up I thought of waking you, but then savoured the moment myself. Now i’m back beside you and I smell like sweet salty air. I feel oceanic, and I watch you sleeping for a few minutes from a chair beside the bed before releasing myself to a hot shower washing the sand and salt from my body and hair. I look down and sand fills the bottom of the shower, and reminds me of when I was small. That’s when you appear, and you’re there with me, like always. You’re smiling at me, and I’m smiling back. I suddenly feel like I have wings and I think that my favorite thing in the world has to be when we’re naked together. That’s when I feel closest to the Universe. As if it’s whispering in my ear that all is well…My eyes flutter open and I find myself riding in the car with you. I must have fallen asleep looking out the window. You smile at me, and my heart grins through my chest. What a dream it’s all been….

[ m a c h i n e r y ]
All this terminology eats away at me, Makes me question every thought I have ever had. Gives me answers to things I have never asked. Yet I am here. I am driven. I am life. Breathing these fumes of technology. Hearing the sounds of the grinding gears of universal suspension. Creating images from experiences. Tasting the metallic oneness of harmony in tune with chaos. Giving it all to me, building it up. Packing it down. Tearing it all apart and bringing me back home again. Everything on this ride seems so fast and out of control, but the monotony of it is drilled into my dreams. Travelling but going nowhere. Feeling all of these emotions that I am not even sure exist.Disgusted with my stupidity. All is in front of us, lying exposed on this celestial desktop. All this graphic digitalness reaching deeply into my soul and shaking me with one great fist. Translucent calm central to my soul, supported by a limitless void. Covered, protected by this heavenly body bringing all things to attention. Inevitably. Yet this all surrounds me, penetrates every cell of everything, and moves me. Effortlessly it grabs hold of me and sways me to it’s atmospheric drum. Giving to me everything I lacked, using everything I had. This is it. This is the inevitable,now is time to MOVE.

[ t e c h n o s h a m a n i s m ]
Technoshamanism is not just for dj’s, and the creators of the music our scene is based around, it’s for all of us who are taken to another level through this technological society. It’s the idea of leaving your body and entering the sprit world through in this case techno, drum and bass, rave etc…..But by applying the same philosophy to our everyday lives we may be able to transcribe the technoshamanism beyond musik and our subculture. Interestingly enough, technoshamanism, zen buddhism, taoism and paganism (all basically philosophies based in and around the way of the universe and nature) are all ties together, therefore “ravers” members of this subculture should be taking the time to realize the quantum physics that exist within raving. Within going back to our tribal roots in this digitally techno oriented society. By tying ourselves to the shamanic nomadic route in ancient societies we can see the similarities. The Shamen of old, were said to enter the spirit world sometimes through the use of psychoactive drugs and sometimes through deep meditation, and chanting, singing and dance…… can we see any resemblances between this ancient sect and this new subculture…..We have done something that no generation in recent society has ever done before, it’s time to realize exactly what is happening, it’s anthropology at it’s best. It’s not “hey let’s get messed up” and if it is, that’s where the problem has began….. So is this digital world supplying this generation with a new religion?? :} We have created and upheld this modern primitive movement, It’s interesting that everyone is trying so hard to keep it underground. We are protective of what we have created. As well we should be. But it’s come time to clarify WHAT we are, WHAT it all really means, and expand it, we together can change the face of humanity and make the world of the future a much better placeRave is a sign of this generation making a connection, the uniting of past and future. The rave is ‘primitive,’ with its gathering of ‘tribes’ of young. We have a basis in quantum physics. It is time to accept the digital elements of our scene and accept our fate. Something that some have left behind, something that some of us need to teach the new members of our tribe. ~-+=EXPAND YOUR MIND, EXPLORE YOUR SOUL

[ h o p e ]
Taking away everything that complicates things, starting all over from the beginning, and snatching up whatever information you find in your path. Living for life and discovering one’s true purpose on this planet. It’s all become so much more than glancing in the direction of some silly highschool existence. Each section ends with each day, and the ability to renew oneself is mindblowing. What connection does one hold with the universal alignment of things? Where does that feeling of utter worship and spine tingling mesmerizing thought really evolve from? Nothing in the world can reproduce that moment, that second where you know that no matter what happens “Everything will be alright” “i am going to be okay”. Today has been a hard day for me, this is the anniversary of the day my life changed forever. This is the anniversary of when things were different. When things weren’t so thought provoking….So now that i have taken away everything that once stood in my path, now that all the things that held me back have been disposed of. And now standing alone at the edge of this abyss, i have nothing to loose. I have myself. I am free of all dependencies. No one and nothing. I was thinking the other day about my life, and how it may appear to someone if they were reading it as a novel. Would it be romance? adventure? tragedy? thriller? new age? i realized it would be all of that. Each little aspect crammed into the pages of a pretty exciting novel. I seem to be free from everything, but wants. I still want and need. Two things which i never really will be free of. Looking around at the people who surround my galaxy i see one common trait. Hope. This realization, that just like pandora’s box, we hold hope. Hope for the future, hope for ourselves, and hope for the next generation. Sometimes my heart hurts, I wonder why things have unravelled the way that they have. Sometimes my eyes well up with tears at the strangest moments, like sitting comfortably at a party and suddenly feeling this overwhelming grief. Fears of one day drowning in my own tears….Hope taps me on the shoulder sometimes…..just to remind me that she’s there, then there is a moment when i look up at the stars and realize that there is so much more to life than this. That one day the pain in my heart will subside, that the tears in my eyes will dry, and the lump that is ever present in the back of my throat will fade. Hope. Or maybe it’s just the fact that I have healed so many people, and no one has healed me. So there is hope for the future or finding the way out of the darkness and joining the people in the daylight. Hope of becoming eternal and completely free of what binds me. Listen to hope. Sometimes she calls out in the faintest of voices, she tugs gently at your sleeve, or her breath brushes your cheek in the slightest way. But she’s there. Never forget her.

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Posts

1995

[ Perspective ]
Perspective is a curious thing. One moment you can be positive you know all there is to know about something, anything, and the next moment a tiny detail has the power to throw that whole universe of thought off its axis. In all of life’s brilliant mysteries there’s that one piece of everything that makes you comfortable. The movement of the clouds, the tick of a clock, the air in your lungs, the millions of stars out there. That tiny piece of sky that makes it okay, not be asking constant questions. The incredible discoveries lurking just around the next corner…. That sweetest detail, when all is right. Like a perfect symphony of sounds and thoughts all at once. All contrived in the heat of the moment, and the burning pulse of one second in your life. The film rolls on as it always has, the moon continues to pull at the oceans, and the steady beat inside your chest drives it all forward. Like coming home again after an extended abscence. That revelation that we’re all spinning in the bigger piece of it all helping you to let all the moments rush back by your eyes like movies. Almost like a warm hug of wine dancing through the entire system, and it’s all okay forever. Coming back out of the tunnel in somewhere new, and great and different, not so much later. With the grain, we all flow through the river of experience, changing direction, with perspective.

[ Era ]
Life, and all that it has to offer can sometimes be overwhelming. The deluge of information, events, experiences, desires, and needs can sometimes lead one to withdraw, to be reactionary instead of responsive. In an overwhelmed state, we find it easier to lash out than to REACH out. Sometimes seeming to define one’s world through the filters of criticism and cynicism (for one’s self as well as others) instead encouragement and praise (again for one’s self as well as others) And through this flood it is sometimes forgotten that we, within ourselves have the power and means to TRANSCEND the deluge, to shape our own world to be able to channel the unrelenting force into constructive avenues that can nurture the world around us, instead of destroy it… Little do we realize that at times, the first to bear the brunt of the destructive energy that we sometimes harness, are our own souls. It is through DANCE that I have found TRANSCENDENCE. Music has taught me how to fly using wings i never knew i had. Lifting me above the seemingly relentless tides of time and change. It is through music and Dance that my soul is free to soar amongst the heavens and inner dimensions, allowing a clearer view into the nature of the world that i am creating around me (allowing a clearer view of us) It is there that i am able to discern the path to consciousness, that seemingly elusive inner light which is often dimmed by the trials we face on a daily basis. For now, the light is there for me, the path illuminated. I shall follow it again….We stand together at the threshold of a new era. A new range of dimensions and possibilities. I invite you all to take my hand and join me as we move forward to dance brothers and sisters, dance….

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Posts

1994

[ Microcosm ]
I was thinking last night, i was thinking about *rave*, *Plur*, *the scene* whatever you want to call it. I speak not of the *party* but the mentality. The mentality of this technology driven generation that we live in…..I suppose that is the real *techno*. This generation which has created a safe haven for itself within Plur, within *rave* within Music. The generation which has gone back to its tribal roots. Back into the jungle if you will. ( We all know about my fascination with the *jungle*) My question…what is going to become of us? Some of us are already trying. working to make a difference in this wild world, but some of us are stuck. Some of this techno-babied generation is caught in a horrible web. Instead of helping ourselves we hinder ourselves. Pumping our bodies full of impurities and hurting these amazing machines we have been given. Preach i will not. Those of you who receive my monthly writings know well how I feel. Be careful. I am proud to be a part of such an amazing new world. Never before has the earth seen such production, communication, technology, and population. In so many years we will be running this great planet, can we break out of this *microcosm* called the *rave* and bring the beautiful mentality of this generation with us into our future. Each of us has spoken about the importance of survival, the survival and revival of our *scene*. Let’s not simply *revive* it, let’s repair it. Repair ourselves. THINK. Think about all that lies ahead of us. Eliminate the synthetic ecstasy and restore the real thing.

[Beyond Rave ]
Where it all begins is where we let it. The whole “rave” mentality is respectable, you enter the rave and you become enthralled by the vibe. It grabs you, Been dancing up a storm all evening, trippin like crazy, looking into the eyes of everyone and seeing outrageous things, suddenly the music grows more intense, more intense, like these thick syrupy thuds and smacks growing faster and faster, it’s the sound of the insides of a body making love, it’s the sounds of a heartbeat roaring in my chest as I am jerked about by powers beyond my control, I am liquid, I feel as if I have transcended in my musical tastes and I have reached musical enlightenment through my savior , the throbbing bass which penetrates my thirsty ears . The beat that sends me into a frenzy when it bounces off of my ear drums…..I have said I will never cheat ….but when the bass ascends from the speaker it penetrates me harder than any human ever could….the jungle moves through my very soul. a gut feeling of all living things all over the world that only we humans have forgotten, it’s strong, pounding, incredible with this slowly rising roaring howling sound, getting louder and louder and we stare into the lights which flash at us, seeing their intent, it overwhelms us, there is only the deafening sound and energy now, every centimeter of skin in my body electrocuted in a state of insane radiant LIVING, each cell screaming at the top of it’s lungs I DON’T WANT TO DIE I AM ALIVE and the roar grows louder and louder, I look at his face and say “WHAT IS HAPPENING?” and tears are running down my cheeks and his too, we’re holding on to one another for dear life, the music isn’t even recognizable anymore and our bodies are buzzing too strong and loose to know what we’re doing, suddenly we realize there is something here, the power of all of us, the tribe gathered inside this microcosm of love and respect and peace, ! it is here, pointing in our faces, it is the head of a monster dragon roaring at us how DARE we forget what we are? We are all, thousands of us, howling with it in recognition and our insides are coming out and everyone sees. The passion is so intense there is no room for identity or time or memory, it lasts forever and in all directions in an indescribable manner! everything is so visceral and surreal it’s horrifying and ecstatic at the same time. And then the emotion washes past and the noise screeches forwards and the crowd of all of us tear after it as the fastest drums the world have ever seen come back to kick us back into action, all holding hands and locking eyes now, all dancing and crying and smiling smiles which never occur in the normal world – smiles so alive and hungry that we know then it is all just beginning forever! It is so draining that occasionally our legs give way and we have to hold on to one another to stay up, catch our breaths a little or go to a room where water can be got, hard to find our way in the electric emotion of the place but we do. We are lighter than air, energy radiated from the hidden reactors modern life keeps on chill-mode all day. Hours later I am finding myself on a floor still awake with all of them lying down now and what world are we in? The sun is coming up, onto the lake, I am thankful, for everything, for all of them. Not for those who struggle with what it is about, but those who know, who feel it, who have defined it themselves. a fresh new day and my muscles are tingling, my head buzzing, my body draped over his and hi s over mine….So I ask…Does the “commercialism” matter, can’t we accept the fact that they will never feel what we truly feel, we are a modern tribe. In the technological world. “They” have opened Pandora’s box, it’s for us to keep the hope inside. Live Beyond the Rave, PLUR+ H , hope.