Categories
Revolution

Survivors of Sexual Violence & Assault this is for you.

This is everything I wish someone would have told me as a survivor and I want to share it with you. I never thought I would go to the police. I never thought I would feel the way I felt before. I never thought I would reclaim my power and forgive. I’ve done all of those things now. It wasn’t an easy road but I have walked it. For most of my life I didn’t know exactly what was wrong with me, but I knew something wasn’t right. It took almost 33 years before I was able to say it out loud. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my father. Getting “better” started with me realizing I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t remember a time when I was truly happy, or where I felt entirely safe. It didn’t matter how safe or happy my life was. I was constantly feeling like I was getting ready to escape. Sometimes I was suicidal. Most times I was just really good at wearing a mask that I wanted everyone to see. Who was under that mask, I didn’t feel anyone would want to look at her. She was broken and dirty.

I had to sit facing the door wherever I was. I needed to know how I would get out if I needed to from any situation. I had trouble with flying on planes. Certain smells would make me feel dizzy and nauseous. I tried to maintain power and control in every situation I could. That’s what I learned to do to survive. My experiences in childhood weren’t the only experiences I had.
Unfortunately once you have a trauma such as this, it’s as if we vibrate as prey. It was sometimes like I was a magnet for creeps.

I’d gone to traditional therapists through the course of my life. I’d done some body work. It would help in the moment, but it was I felt like I couldn’t contain the emotions to even begin to talk about them. I didn’t have the capacity. It was like carrying around 1000 extra pounds. Then one day, through a series of synchronicities, that all changed.

I heard about something called a ‘soul retrieval’. I understood it to be a restoration of power. It was a ceremony performed by a shamanic practitioner. I understood it to be through the use of percussion. By that point, I was ready to try anything and I thought worst case scenario, a light worker works on me for an hour or so and that’s not a bad thing. Best case scenario, things improve.

The latter happened. It was as if I was reminded who I was at my core. That feeling of being broken and dirty began to fall away. I began to devour Sandra Ingerman’s book “Soul Retrieval.” I realized something as I was reading it. Sandra Ingerman is psychotherapist who in searching for a solution to dissociation, found that Shamanic healing practices that are tens of thousands of years old (and found in every culture around the globe) provided an answer.

As human beings we are mind, body and energy/spirit. We have a body, a mind and a soul. When we go through a trauma. We experience physical impacts, mental impacts, emotional impacts but we also experience energetic impacts. This can result in anxiety, depression, addiction, and disorders such as PTSD. Typically survivors also describe not being able to do the things they could do before, that they don’t feel the same way they did after the experience.

Sometimes we are medicated, or we go to traditional therapy. Sometimes we do body work, trauma release exercises – but what was missing from the equation for me was the energy work. I simply didn’t have the capacity to feel better. I didn’t have the capacity to process my feelings because I simply didn’t have the energy store.

If you imagine energy is like water, and we as human beings are the vessel. As we experience trauma, illness etc. in our lives we can feel and experience that we somehow have less energy. The Shamanic answer to this is called soul loss, or power loss. The idea that some of the energy in your body actually leaves us during severe trauma and shock and that through ceremony a shamanic practitioner can work to help restore any energy that was lost due to pain, trauma or illness. It made total sense to me, and It worked for me.

It enabled me to go back to traditional therapy, do outpatient sessions with the head of the women’s program at CAMH in Toronto, receive a formal diagnosis of PTSD but it also enabled me to do things I never intended to do, such as forgive my father, try to seek justice, speak out about my story but most importantly. I received a clear calling to practice as a shamanic practitioner. I’ve spent the majority of my life and career as an executive producer. I am an entrepreneur, but i’m also a witch. Making things happen as an executive producer is not much different than working with healing clients. I am here in service to help bring dreams into reality.

Working with survivors of trauma is the most important work I’ve done in my life. It’s better than any of the awards I’ve won, or the campaign results I’ve helped bring to brands. It is life changing and fills me full of happiness and wonder. I never thought I’d feel those things again. I never thought I’d be able to put down my fear. That I’d be able to confront my abuser. Those things aren’t for everyone, they only became goals for me when I got better. I realized I could, so I did.

I was lucky that I found the right mix of modalities to help me heal and reclaim my power. I told my story before #MeToo. It was terrifying but it allowed survivors to find me and for me to find them. In the last few weeks it’s been really challenging for so many survivors. So many of us don’t get the justice from the system that we deserve. I was moved to write because I want every survivor to know. You do not have to stay in the place they brought you to. You do not need to feel broken, stuck, or that you don’t feel like you’re the same person you were before. We are the ones with the power. It is ours to reclaim. When we work in collaboration with the energy that fuels us we can reclaim our joy, our love, our wonder and ourselves.

I’ve walked through the underworld many times, I am here to help guide you out if you need me. You do not have to do this alone. Remember you are three parts. Mind, Body and Spirit. Each part of you matters and each part of you deserves to hold all of your light.

They were the moths, you are the flame. Light that torch.

Let’s light up the dark.

Categories
Revolution

Join the Revolution

We are at such a crucial time in our history. If you know me, you know I talk a lot about changing things, making new systems and leading a revolution of love with fierce compassion. Current systems aren’t working. It’s time we choose a new way forward.

This is not affiliated with any political movement, this is human to human. This is in the tradition of community, storytelling and return to connection. This is where we begin.

My hope is that this will be the largest collaboration in the history of humanity. How many people? How many countries? It’s up to us.

We can do this, but it has to be together.

Here is how it begins. With you.

The thousand mile journey begins with a single step.
This is step 1.

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Categories
Revolution

2003 – Via Transcendz.com


[12]

So it’s the twelfth month, I’ve never been a fan of it, because it’s the end of something. It’s just such a weird time. Wrapping up the year, and getting things in line to begin a whole new one. There seems to be a common theme here, it’s just that time has started to move so incredibly quickly. I feel like i’m somehow standing on one of those moving sidewalks and just watching it all, completely detached from the movement, just watching it all move by. The technology, the work, the time, the year, the people. The hustle and bustle of it all. I can’t make much sense of other people’s actions lately, maybe i’m not meant to. I mean i’ve been putting my best face forward and coming up empty. Today was a turning point, my first reaction to it was to just crumble. It took me a few moments alone to realize what’s been going on. The exercise that i’m taking part in, that somehow I didn’t realize. I got caught up in the day-to-day, the details, and lost sight of the big picture of what was playing out in my life. I know a few things for sure. One of them is that I work hard, the second is that I take pride in what I do, the third is that for a long time i’ve checked humility at the door. This was an exercise. I plan to move forward more intelligently. (Actually Henry Ford said that) “Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently”. How intelligent. Time is passing, and I do not want to be standing looking at it like I’m making my way through a gallery of experience. I want it to be more of an installation. Infrastructure. The time is passing, the year is ending, but I’ve just realized that the time is now. Just finished “Good to Great” by Jim Collins about what makes a company great as opposed to good. I’d recommend it. It’s brilliant.

[time]

So, I haven’t written in awhile. I’m not quite sure why that is. I think it’s just because the creative juices have been directed elsewhere, painting, doing a little more creative work in the day-to-day. I’ve missed that so much. Getting into technology has been such a love/hate relationship for me. I’ve managed to get really involved with the nuts and bolts and somewhere along the way I lost my creative output. I don’t think that is technology’s fault. I think it’s mine. I think everyone has been bounced around to a certain extent. I just seem to have found the most opportunities to have that happen. I’m faced with a really interesting time right now. I’m getting a chance to be really ridiculously introspective.

With that as a pretext to where I am right now, it’s now the holiday season. I can’t believe it. Time has passed so incredibly quickly this year, maybe it’s because i’m getting older. I am totally unprepared, I’ve been doing a lot of leg work lately and somehow didn’t realize that December was coming. I despise the mall during the holidays, I really despise it all of the time, but so much more in December. People get crazy and wander aimlessly. I think i’m such a list maker, and a task master that I can’t relate to the wandering.

[clarification]

At the risk of opening Pandora’s box and in addition breaking one of the cardinal rules of conversation. I’m going to go with my instincts and talk about religion.
Reading an interesting book this morning. It was written by a lawyer and outlines the actual facts for the life and death of Jesus. Interestingly enough, as both a human being and the case for him as the messiah. Very interesting stuff. As I was reading it, I got to thinking about my own beliefs. Where they’ve come from, where they’re going and why I believe them. I think in the last few months I’ve been speaking more theologically than I have in the past few years. I grew up in a family that had me enrolled in a Catholic school. I’ve had the pleasure of being baptized not once, but twice Presbyterian and Catholic respectively. I grew up in a house that didn’t talk a lot about religion, I got my fill of that at school. Where we drew the haloed-golden-brown-haired Jesus in white robes and coloured in pictures of the Pope. I do however remember being about 7 or 8 and standing in line for confession and realizing how strange I thought it was. As the kids all stood around trying to come up with something to tell the priest, something to confess. It struck me, if we hadn’t done anything wrong that week, we in our 7 year old minds thought that- naturally we should probably just make something up. Over the years I thought about going back to going to church, but the older I got the less sense it made. I have had my own relationship with God. I really hesitate in calling it that. I don’t have a name for it, it just is. This leads me to my point. After reading some of this book, I got to thinking. I can’t settle for just one belief system, I find valid points in most of them. The general idea of morality and living an honest life and just doing one’s best in the world is good enough for me. To me they all fall under the umbrella of Taoism. That got me thinking, if I had to define it in one thought, what would it be…
In a nutshell, Taoism is the consolidation of a number of concepts and practices that make up the “Path”, or “Way”, of living. The Taoist feels that these ideas of morality and fundamental ideas of balance and peace brings a human being into closer alignment with the “natural order” of life and living – a pathway that humankind appears to have gotten derailed from.

not sure what’s wrong really, just a general sickness I guess. I feel both interconnected and shut out. Not too sure what that is all about. Maybe the coldness of technology. Love of the machines. Trapped inside the confines of a cpu, yet comforted by the constant whirr……
It’s distinctive, like a voice through a crowd, a familiar face, a smell. Some guttural wail. I leave you behind and don’t stop to look back.
trying to explain, the unexplainable. i have spent this time trying to quantify and i have discovered that for the first time there are not sufficient words. invaded. captured. conquered. are the only 3 that come to mind.
i am all three.the dawn of time. it’s as if there was a moment, a tiny window through which laid opportunity. my eyes had been hurting for years. seeing this now defies expectation. i had not been looking for what i found. or maybe i’d just been looking for so long i’d stopped. i’d been walking the earth in search of something that would make me feel this good. now that it’s here I find myself stunned. stopped dead in my tracks noticing, as if for the first time the world around me. It’s as if a layer of skin has been peeled back from my eyes, as if for my entire life i’d never truly been able to see. now that i can, I feel hollow and full and dull and sharp all at once. looking into the deep blue i find something. something that now runs through every fibre of my being and lives outside of me like a star. at first it was like being held underwater, scary, drowning falling, eyes fluttering, blurry, and then calm. quiet. my stomach churns and i hear you speak and it is goosebumps & butterflies. It’s as if every moment of time was leading me up to that one single second where everything changed forever. as frightening and overwhelming as it is, i feel this undeniable desire to just hold on as I am shot out of some cosmic cannon right at you. the collision has changed me. how funny collider now seems. so many instances and nuances and I feel as if light is spilling out of me. something chemical has happenned and I cannot begin to explain how it feels or what it look like, but it is the most beautiful thing i have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

[last nite]
today is bleak. it’s dreary. i am not sure if it is the weather outside or in my head. my stomach hurts but i’m not sure if it’s hunger or sadness.
i feel sick, pit of the stomach solar plexus sick.
i don’t know if i’m moving to fast, being too hard, going to slow.

[travel]
Just enjoying the quiet. I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I go between being terrified and freezing up to just relaxing and throwing caution to the wind. Maybe too much sometimes. I feel like things are moving really fast, yet crawling. It’s a strange dichotomy. One that I am getting used to. Travelling but not running. Like that.
Parts of me feel like they are stuck in time, and others feel that I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s funny I feel that there are these bionic parts of me and then there are these archaic items that are still sitting and waiting for the 21st century to arrive.
I’m not sure what to be lately, I move between having the desire to play the game and just roll the dice, to just holding on and letting it all flood in like a drowning pool.
Should it be frightening?: Yes, I believe it should. I have gone under.


Convergence slips its golden handcuffs around my wrists.
The display flickers with unseen frequency.
Lying behind the terms of agreement.
Signing off on assigning henchmen.
Rescued from the depths of day-to-day, don’t you think I’ve almost vested.
Awaiting the merger, old to new
Amalgamation isn’t so appetizing
Disregard the memo, you are free to pack your desk and go.
Tongues of fire, encompassed in flames and consumed by raw susceptibility. Destruction transudes measure.
Overriding the kill switch and departing through the escape hatch, roaming across barrens to escape.
Suddenly returning to the place where it all started. Holding the hands of the clock so that time refrains from passing.
Moving at a speed that seems uncanny, driving through the clouds fleeting memories rush quickly.
The engine breaks away, all that is left are the days…



{middle]

Into the center. Entwined connected and enthralled. I feel you and I change into something else entirely. A thousand times and I can’t begin to explain the thirst. Words do not exist, and I cannot do it justice. Nerve endings raw with emotion, uncovering layers of you like an onion, I can’t look away. When you touch me I can’t control it, I can’t hold it. Falling hard through cavernous space and time and now, I dream awake.

i remember when i launched transcendz.com, (the actual dotcom) i had an archaic flash animation that stated that the future was binary. Partly because the site went live to the world at 1:01 am, on January 1st 2001. 01:01:01 – 010101.
I don’t even know if anyone noticed, the site then was launched with a splash which played Knights of the Jaguar by Underground Resistance. Who also interestingly enough did ‘The Punisher’ (UR-017). This message may be cryptic, but it’s meant to be. I don’t believe in coincedences, so all of this seems even more strange. Binary Knight Punisher. funny. I don’t even know how I thought of all of this. I did, though and that is why we’re here. Together. You and I.

I am still stunned and amazed by how things tend to happen in waves. I suppose it can all be attributed back to the way things are.
I had the best weekend I have had in a very very long time. Taking the time to thank everyone who has been there for me in the past weeks, doesn’t seem enough. I am so blessed to know such a plethora of incredible people. So thank you- sometimes life throws you a curve and the grace and tact with which most of you have handled it is more than appreciated.
Many of you are out of town, all over the world scattered like beacons right now, on journeys- you exotic bastards. Singapore, Thailand, India, England- to start. It’s been a summer of dreams come true for so many of us. I am so glad to be on the road with all of you.Planning on spending some quiet time this week, allow things to settle in, take a minute to just take it all in. The memories of the past 3 weeks are my oxygen.

Sometimes, it hurts to say, but I am so glad we’ve stayed together, all of us. I know who you remind me of…

[faster]
distracted, i feel like i am being privy to all of these nuances that I just didn’t seem to notice before. As if things beginning and ending at the same time are plugging me into some type of new circuit. I am finding myself getting oddly emotional and retrospective at the strangest moments. Climbing up out of this self imposed fall out shelter into the light and re-discovering all of the normalities of life.
Summer is almost coming to a close and I feel like it flew by faster than usual. As if time was somehow faster than it was last year, the pace changed or the rpm was turned up on the terrestrial turntable. Not sure what it is, but I feel as if i am a part of something which has it’s own trajectory entirely. I am flying without moving.
Dissecting it is feeble, it’s just an exercise in logic I guess. Picked up Dancing Wu-Li Masters by Gary Zukav tonight and spent an hour reading about quantum physics Amazing, and so matter of fact, I feel like that describes us to a tee right now. Amazing and matter of fact.

August 16, 2003[blackout] time to blackout, no doubt.
The past two weeks have been unbelievably weird and surreal. It’s as if there is this unravelling taking place and now it has culminated in a blackout. pitch.
selfish of me to feel like anything had to do with some insanely huge cosmic puzzle, but all i know is that for the past 14 days it has certainly felt like i’ve been dealt a wild hand. It felt like things were spinning out of control, and then, nothing. silence, blackness. Calm.
Unbelievable really, the streets with their bleak abandon. Shadowy gridwork. I feel as if I am testing things. That for a moment, I am stepping back into the dark to look at my cards. The dark envelopes me and I can’t see them. I am stripped of my gameplan. taken aback, frightened of the outcome. worried i’ll lose my shirt, betting my life on something intangible, like coming up into an air pocket and trying to get as much oxygen as possible before I go back under.I am going under, with fifty percent power…

[knots]
Waking up in agony
I can’t get over what is living in me
I lay awake for hours
Paralyzed by my own discretion
I fall apart from the inside
I just can’t let this in.
Found my heart upon the carpet
Can’t help but wonder how
I am everything I thought I’d never be
Closing eyes and doors
Delay reminds me of last night
I can’t shut my mouth
I found what fit
I hold on tight, won’t lose this grip
I can’t help but feel afraid,
That I won’t be able to get the knots untied.

[deepening]
I feel like I’m floating and drowning at the same time. Going under the countless layers of life and time and space.
The words seem to just bleed from my fingertips, raw and bloody.
Severed from direction. Split in a fit of something that I can’t name.
I plod on….. Finding feelings, uncovering something that is reeling.
I lay down to sleep and find myself rising up off of the bed.
Into the blue clouds and dreams.
Every lost item seems to be within my reach.
I blink my eyes and catch a glimpse.
And here it is, starting all over again from the beginning.
Falling away.


Friday, April 25, 2003
It’s one of those days again. Seems like everyday lately has been like this one… Toronto is a ghost town, thanks to the W.H.O.’s travel advisory there is a smaller than normal population of tourists wandering the streets. Though Torontonians seem to be taking it all in stride. No masks. No shortage of Sars jokes, of course.
The world has somehow become a smaller place. Took the opportunity to get my camera out, this one digital and took random pictures of everyday things. Interesting how things that can appear somewhat mundane daily through a lens have never looked so incredible. Looking forward to summer. Seems as if I’m always looking forward to something. Why do we say “looking forward” and not “looking now”- maybe people aren’t as accustomed to living in the moment as they are living in the past or future. No one would admit that though. “living in the moment, typing thinking about email and lunch, just enjoying looking out the window not thinking about too much of anything just a series of things really, wondering what other people are thinking about- shopping, lunch, lost items, music, buying that cd after work…..reconnecting”. I feel like I have been waiting so long at this crossroads, standing watching life move. I don’t know what I’m waiting for really, but I will know it when I see it.


[relaunch]
So today I relaunched the site i’ve been working on for months. I have already gotten feedback from people saying that they feel like they are reading someone’s diary. You are. The difference is, I know about it. I am giving it to you to read. Some of the things i’ve posted I had to make a conscious effort to put out there. Others just flowed out there like an exhalation. Life is too short not to put it out there….


[backdraft]
Spent a few days (too short) in Atlanta. I don’t know what it is about the city but it always offers me a perspective and a renewed faith. Maybe it’s the smells of the blooming magnolias or azaleas. Or maybe it’s seeing some of the people who have made me what I am. On the plane home, as we were taking off from hartsfield I looked down at the city and had a glimpse of where I have come from. My throat got tight and my eyes welled up. I felt as I looked down I could see it all. All of the experiences, the people, the moments that have made up my life. Suddenly it came together and the relief of it all spilled down my cheeks. Thank you. I felt. Sorry, Loved, Pained and Excited all at the same time. I held on to the armrest for dear life.
I listened to the sounds of the plane and wondered just how I ended up looking through this window on the world. I’ve been equally introspective and retrospective lately. Normally it’s only the former, the latter though has caught up with me and I am finding myself caught in a timewarp of indiscretion and remarks. Perspective is an amazing thing, and sometimes looking back on things you wonder where it went in the first place.

[awe-ful]
uncertainty, what is going on? hearts hurting, casualties, talk of enemies/evildoers/infidels. terrible, terrible losses. Tears hide behind my eyes and I wonder how the world can be so strange and violent. How in times of such events you get that heaviness in the pit of your stomach and you think about your life. Lately, more so than usual, i’ve been more conscious about the reasons behind things. Why people leave your life only to return, why I’ve made the decisions I’ve made, why I have loved the people I have. I don’t think things have been easy, but I don’t think they are ever easy for anyone. I look back on the last 6 or 7 years and I can’t believe all that has happened. I feel sometimes that I let so much slip through my fingers. Like things just got too heavy for me to carry. I wonder why things couldn’t have just happened in a different order, even though I know why they did. What a dream a lot of it was.

Monday, March 10, 200325
So i’ve now had the pleasure and wonder of being on this lovely planet for 25 years. I remember thinking I would definitely be married with kids by now. Wrong. What is the most amazing to me about it all I guess is all of the connections i’ve made. To use a technology analogy I have created my own network. There are empty ports. lights that have ceased flashing, family, friends lost, friends found, hubs upon hubs, wires, routers, mixed messages, mixed signals. It’s incredible really. Those of you who know me know that this is a really consistently hard time for me. I lost my best friend 2 days before my birthday 6 years ago. Every birthday that passes I think about her, and there is still that empty feeling – i’m sure there will always be that gap in the network. I think you end up carrying it around with you forever, in some way, shape or form. I wanted to take this time to thank everyone in my life from past present and future. Those that have surrounded me the past few years who are to me the most astoundingly brilliant and beautiful people on the planet (i’m not drunk- i swear) So thank you, for contributing to my memories, my stories, my network and my heart. No worries tomorrow i’ll be back to normal complaining about the weather :). Happy Birthday to ME!


 
Categories
Revolution

2002 – Via Transcendz.com

“Everytime I thought I got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet…”

[What I Needed] 02-19-02
Haven’t written in ages, makes me feel guilty. I just made a decision. You know when you just wake up and know something has changed. I know it was just what I needed. I feel uncompromised, after a year of feeling nothing but. I am walking away, as unaffected as possible. Though it’s not without hurt, not without the pain and anguish of leaving something, someone, behind. Saying goodbyes comes easy to me. It’s the reasons behind saying them that take the time.
I fell. I lashed. I stumbled. At times life kicks me in the teeth and I remember everything previous. I wonder if I walked away would I be making a mistake. Principles are a funny thing. Anger sits in my heart, sets up camp and I get so mad that thoughts could evade me. That even if for an instant eyes were redirected. If thoughts of it were so good that it seemed stupidly worthwhile. Cry me a river. I fall behind. Listening to the undercurrents of a thing I thought I knew. It occurs to me now. I know nothing of it. This is true. Your tenure here is finished and I walk briskly with a closed fist.
Sickened. Nothing to say. Even less to think about. “Everytime
I wish it was again a time when I was younger..
No better explanation…Tugged in all directions.
.”Everytime I thought I got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet…”
Still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test

[July 16, 2002]
Seems that the last time I wrote I was at a crossroads too, how curious. Seems that I’m always at a crossroads. Amazing how life changes. I’ve just had the chance to be off of work for about 8 weeks. Just changed jobs and was laid off two months in, unexpected. Pretty amazing it doesn’t happen more often I guess. Luckily I’ve landed on my feet, I’m back on the path and excited to just get going. To get started. With so many changes I figured it was time, again, for a Transcendz.com facelift. Everything is a work in progress I suppose.
This past few months has been a time of great re-connections. Finding, and re-discovering….friends, family and most of all myself and my goals. A little selfish time to get reacquainted.
The city has been hot, and at times too cramped. Thoughts of relocating, getting out have passed. Seems I’ve always got my bags packed. This time, I chose to set them right back down.
Thanks to everyone in my life who has re-commited themselves. It’s been an incredible summer so far.
So glad we’re back in touch..
-Amy

herstory.
On the morning of March 8th, 1998 just two days before my nineteenth birthday my best friend Erin Muckle died in a car accident. She had just turned 19, and I hadn’t seen her in 3 months. Senseless. I remember the absolute gutteral pain when I heard, and just the reflex in my hand causing me to drop the phone. She was the absolute closest person in the world to me. Everything went into slow motion, and my tongue was broken. Then came the angry tears….It’s 5 years ago, and it’s yesterday.
Erin and I were fast friends, we first spotted eachother through the patio doors of our childhood houses. At just 3 Erin had pointed at me through the glass and told her mother that I was her best friend. This, before we had even met. She was right. Funny thing, she was always right. Erin had a beautiful carefulness about her, she just felt. She was a brilliant presence and sometimes when I realize how rare that is in the world. I mourn for her all over again.
She was discovery to me. Everything I remember about being a kid involves her, every smell, detail, laugh triggers a memory of her. She and I spent most of our time together laughing.
It has been 5 years since her untimely passing. I am five years older, every year on my birthday I am reminded of how incredibly fragile it all is. I want to thank her, for giving me the courage to do all of the things I’ve done in the past 5 years. The will to stand up for what is right and to speak on behalf of what is good. For giving me the strength of will to try harder at everything I do.
They say that no one ever really gets over someone dying. Funny, i’ve never felt that our relationship was over, I just felt it had changed. Erin, i write this memorial for you in thanks.
 
Memorial.
You live in this place in my heart where rivers run so deep that the water is black. The sky rushes red with stormy electricity and everything you touch just slips through your hands no matter how tightly you clench your fists. The soil is like memories that just keep fading with each second that passes. This thing, the thing that I can’t begin to understand. This feeling I get where I feel so unbelievably sad, that I just close my eyes and feel that feeling again. Of sheer anguish and pain, and love all at once. That feeling that you never want to have again… I wonder, if I have become a bigger person since or only half of one. I look back at this defining moment and just close my eyes and try to make sense of it.
There are times when I feel you, like you’re yelling at me through glass, as I pass you on the street. I hear you, but it’s muffled I feel like you live in a world surrounded by a membraneous shield. Where you can see me, but you are still healing. Your eyes are new and I am just outside.
Talking about you feels like the first bite of a Godiva chocolate, it keeps you alive, keeps you close. Remembering the details is like an ice cold drink on a hot day. Whenever I laugh it reminds me so much of you.
I made you promises, and they kept me honest. You have taught me more in the past 5 years than I ever hoped to know.
You have helped me to live my life better, you are an experience of my soul.
Thank you for that.  
Categories
Revolution

2001 – Via Transcendz.com

[ o d y s s e y ]
2001. It has become a cliche in the last few months to quote from 2001: A Space Odyssey, so I will instead make an observation about the ties between a book written more than 30 years ago by Sir Arthur C. Clarke and where we stand now. I consider myself to be a futurist. There is something about the numbers that I now write as the year that intrigue me. We have truly opened the “pod bay door” to a completely different way of life. We have managed to open ourselves up to Toffler’s predictions, we are experiencing the Third Wave of humanity.The pace at which we live our lives is mind boggling. Multitasking is all I am capable of. I work in an industry that moves forward at such an astonishing rate, that i’ve been honestly concerned about taking short vacations, for fear that I’ll be left behind. Lost in the shuffle. Lost in the vastness of it all. We are in a world of versions and bandwidth, handheld personal computers and robotics. We are in 2001. The future is now. The future is binary……When I first got on the internet and started writing I didn’t imagine that anyone out there would read what I had to say, much less relate to it. It was a digital diary. A glimpse into the inner workings of my machine. No smoke and mirrors, just a naked slice of brainstorms. I don’t think it ever crossed my mind that so many people in the world would be ‘online’. So now online means something different. It means being ‘in tune’, it means being in the loop. It has meant that you are a piece of the traffic on the information highway… So here we are brought together in the global cyber village entering into a brave new world. Progression is such a daily thought that I can’t imagine where we’ll all be 5 years from now. What will 2010 bring us? Will we have sent a manned mission to Mars? Will we finally recieve that long awaited message from the outer reaches of the Universe…? So the question comes…In what way do we travel? Where is this planet headed at this very moment? We move through this Universe at 500,000 miles per hour, it takes 250 million years for us to make a single circuit… So where are we going in such a hurry? Will we ever reach the ‘end’ ofthe Universe, is there one? I feel like there are so many things I have to do before this Galaxy reaches its destination. Maybe one day we’ll just arrive in some different space and time, or maybe our galaxy will collide with another and an entirely new civilization of beings will fall to our Earth….Perhaps one day we’ll be forced to vacate this planet for another that’s less damaged, less used and abused. Waking up every morning to think of how lucky we all are to have such an amazingly beautiful place to live. So as we enter the 21 century, I wish you all the best year yet, I wish you innovation and wonder. May this truly be an Odyssey…..

Reflection 04/03/01
Sometimes you look back on things and you can’t believe how things work out. How your expectations lead you to believe things would be a certain way, and then it all goes completely the opposite. Though you aren’t surprised in the least when the dust settles. Does that make sense?I was lying in bed the other night, and I was just letting my mind run. It ran over with possibilities and fascination. I sat awake for so long, that I just tried to go over everything I remember about my life so far. Putting together lists about the best things that have ever happened to me, the worst things. The things that I want to happen next…. Then I couldn’t sleep because I started thinking about all of the things I wanted to say to the people around me. About all of the thoughts, and respect I have for them.Then I couldn’t sleep just thinking about all of the things I wanted to tell you. How i’d run away and hide out with you somewhere until the end of time. How I wonder what you’ll say next. How innocent it all is. How many times before and again that i’ll feel this way. That I want to drive up to the middle of nowhere and just get lost in the stars and our reflections in the sky. As domestic as that sounds, the sheer honesty of it – just drives me into Spring

Inhale
As sweet fresh air filling my lungs. Distinct heartbeats beneath my ribs. Eyes closed tight, feet firmly planted. Slow developmental rhythms are pushing me forward. Slight confusion, shyness, blush. Lifting my head and smiling at people, fuel, fervor, flavour. Bigger, broader, faster, smarter, defined. Caught up far beyond all rules, every single blushing shaky whisper- into the said and done. Again the distance strikes a chord. Life is wonderful, exciting. Sometimes I feel like i’m falling so gently into someone’s arms like a feather. caught. I am in the space where lips meet. Where like a nebula, ideas and conceptualizations materialize. Life is beautiful. My mind races at what there is to learn, from you, from them, from myself. At where all of this could go if I just let go. Already overwhelms me, I sit across the dancing hands. Leave myself completely open to all of the possibilities-that breeds reproduction. Fast and furious, gracious and intune.
part 2.
You are a myth. A mystery, a second coming. As I progress I revert back to you. My world was where you were and I am stunned. Your mouth speaks, solves, knows- everything I ever asked and then….my heart hits the floor. Plunges into the pit of my stomach, when I am not the ‘she’, ‘her’, ‘you’. Recovery. Shielding my psyche from the disappointment that is the future. Paused Jilted, back into the center of the adventure. When your eyes are on me they’re like quasars pulling, and they make my tongue break. I am born though, burning brilliant- – all I can feel is a pull like no other. Rhythm dances fleeting across my memories. Default setting I am speechless. I lie back and emit propellsions unlike any i’ve ever known. Only to speak your name, if only my eyes were to see something different, instead of the beauty.

Whirlwind
These past few months have been a complete whirlwind. Total upheaval. Somehow, i’ve managed to land back on my feet. Life is funny like that. I had been so caught up in the tunnel vision of day-to-day that I was missing out on the light at the end….I’m seeing that now, and I am ecstatic. It’s amazing. I’m in a new place. It’s absolutely unbelievable. Sometimes I think when you look back there are those moments that have the capacity to fundamentally change who you are. This is one of those times. Full circle. I just look up and I am so in awe of it all. In awe of what my life has become, what it is becoming…. I have found a place that’s too good to be true mostly. I truly feel a part of something much bigger. Vast. I had deja vu the other day, just the feeling
 of meant-to-be-ness. It was amazing. It just felt right. I am so enjoying the process right now. So challenged by the constant innovations. As much as things can change in a short period of time. They have done so, greatly. Transition, and I know what i’m looking for. I know what I need and I am so amazed to have found myself back through the looking glass again. Renewal. Reconstruction and Re-evaluation have enabled me to feel ready to move forward, to take that next step.

Relief
Sometimes you just get a glimpse of what things will be. How they will all fall when they come floating down from the air….
I am having a glimpse of it right now. I want nothing more than to leave where I am and get in a car and drive to somewhere closer- closer to where things will end up. It’s one of those days where you sit still but you feel like things are running faster than you are even capable of moving.
Faster than anything you’ve ever felt before. It’a one of those times where you don’t even mind. The time is just there to pass and you wish someone would just reach out because you’d just collapse and melt into them. Forever. Then I start to wonder how old these feelings are, whether anyone is feeling this exact same way right now. Or whether it’s a totally unique feeling to me. Because all of a sudden you’re so detached from everything. Every moment, every second. Sometimes I lay awake at night and I ask all these things of myself and there’s this sweet air of sinking into it. You don’t have to be afraid of anything and you are just taken care of.
Nothing to worry about ever again. You just feel like everything is thick like a dream and that everything might just come true all at once, and that the intensity of it will be more than you can take.
Like a promise that you never though another person could make to you. Like a promise that you wished forever that they would make. Relief is a better feeling than anything else I know. It’s when everything is right in the world. Sometimes you can see glimpses of it in someone’s eyes.
That’s better than anything else-ever.

Code – 05/08/01
There’s something completely bionic that happens in the spring. It’s like some unearthly genetic coding gets embedded beneath my skin and I become someone entirely different. Like the difference between being sick and being well. You don’t truly appreciate being well until you are sick. You start thinking more about the concept of time. I am entirely in love with how the spring makes everything look. It’s as if my thought process becomes more advanced, as if the sun stimulates the cells of my being-ust a little more. Just a little extra, a discovery of something so much more than everything you thought. No expectations of perception. Just seeing everything for what it is, and what it might be. Stripping down to the ideas of what could have held you back and bringing together pure real balance. Sometimes I think that everything that’s happenned has just led me to this place where I stopped relating. Now I realize it’s just made me relate differently, selective relation. Looking with a different set of eyes. Climbing by the windows of experience. Rising through the ideas that I thought were unchanging. Only to change and morph into something different so rapidly. I can only imagine where this road is going. I’ve stumbled upon something so different that I can only just enjoy the surprise of it. What a brilliant surprise it’s been.
Descriptions and aspirations are so trivial now. I don’t know if this is what it’s supposed to feel like or not. I just know that I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful it seems.
There’s something so funny that happens when people see the little details that you don’t. You are just trudging along, dragging your whole life behind you, walking down a path that seems so unique. Only to run directly into someone else who is just doing the same thing. There is something so brilliant about that multifaceted unique-ness

Stock – 06/22/01
Time is passing at this unimaginably fast rate, and I feel like a lot of the time I am not truly seeing how wonderful everything has been. The past few months, i’ve found my smile again. Found my belly laugh, my giggle- something I hadn’t really made use of in a long time. Sometimes when you take a step back you realize how important those moments are. How you if you thought about it, about how much you care about things, you start feeling sad that you may never have times like that again….
Sometimes there is people in your life who are supposed to be there by default and they aren’t. When they aren’t there, at first you wonder why. You turn it back on yourself and you start defragmenting your entire being. You wonder what you possibly could have done to make them ignore your place in their life. Then you realize maybe they no longer have a place in yours, as much as you want them to. You accept the fact that you tried. You accept the fact of things are they are. Then you begin taking stock of the people who are there, the people who you realize are the most amazing ones. The ones choose to be there, which is so much bigger than being their because of duty.
I am so fortunate to be constantly surrounded by some of the most incredible people in the world. Easily-hands down. This is for you. You have given me the greatest gifts. You make me better. You have been the light at the end of the tunnel and without you I would be a lesser person. I love you all.
This is a more personal note than i’ve written in awhile but some things that have happened to me this week have hit me on a very emotional level. I am full.
I am so amazed that I can share this with you.
Have a wicked summer.

10 million miles- 07/19/01
Miraculous moments when i’m lying in splendor and I almost feel like i’m enveloped in the grass. Wind beating across my face and I feel hot wetness- I raise my hand to my mouth and it is Truth that bleeds from my lips, I bite my tongue, my lip, my words.
And then my head is on your heart. A small piece of me is laid out on what makes you more alive, than I feel. It’s rhythm beats out the moments, like the ticking of a clock. When my heart is somewhere between flying and falling 10 million miles per second. My knees buckles and it’s a good thing that i’m lying in the imaginary grass. At that moment I realize that nothing lasts long enough any more.
While my mouth forms the words, my voice falls silent, unimaginably I lay in waiting. I feel like i’m halfway between sleep and awake and each second feels like i’m slipping into unconsciousness. I wonder if it’s the honesty making me weak. Making me want to just close my eyes.
My breath is hot on your neck and it filters down into the sand below the grass. I’m slipping into the sand, i’m disappearing down into the earth somewhere. My ears fill with sounds, my mouth fills with words, my mind is already full- of wonder…….i’m 10 million miles beneath the surface.

[The Fates ] 11.15.01
The past few months have been life impacting. I don’t have to elaborate because I know that anyone in the world at this moment knows what I’m talking about. I know that I will never forget where I was that morning, or what that evening was like. The bubble had burst, for the first time in my life the images on the news were real to me because i’d been there, and I also realize that even though there was great fear, horror and pain in those days which followed September 11th there was also hope. Hope and an overwhelming show of love among humanity. This still amazes me, it made me re-learn a lot of things, it made me re-think how I look at the world. As worldly, or aware as I thought I was, I wasn’t. A lot of us weren’t. I remembered in the days after hearing the word ‘Taliban’ the months before when I heard that ancient statues of Buddha were being destroyed, and I remembered the word ‘RAWA’ and what I had heard about the horrors of what was happening to Afghan women. How a select few were standing up and quietly forming a resistance. Bravery comes in all forms. I look at the people in my life differently, and I see people making a difference everywhere. People are just trying to do their best. These are strange times. This holiday season is going to be different. It is going to be one of those times that changes everything. It makes me think about Family and what that really means. My family comes in all forms, sometimes I can’t believe the people in my life who are not related to me by blood, but by love. How those people stand up again and again, because of what is there between us. There is something there, you can’t see it, but it runs deep. It only comes along a few times in your life and when it does you just have to hold on. Sometimes I think we forget how rare it is to make one of those connections. How rare it is to be able to be truly close with someone. How few times it truly touches us in our lives. It’s those tiny moments that change things. Those moments that deliver you through times of tragedy, when you can look at someone else and feel that they really know you. Happiness comes from those moments. Life is changing for me, for a long time I tried to fight it, to make it something bad. I carry with me a lot of choices, things that I would wear as a badge of honor, or a right of passage, and other things I would just as soon sweep under the rug never to be seen again. We all have that. I realize now more than ever what a gift it all is, how amazing it is that any of this happens to us at all. That if nothing else -life is about the bonds you make, the impressions you make on people, the way you affect the world around you. .How incredible it is to me at this moment the window of opportunity that surrounds everything that has ever happened. I don’t believe in coincidence, and perhaps that eliminates what many people use as an explanation for all the strange things that happen to them. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and all of those little moments happen as they are meant to. So what comes next? Whatever is supposed to..
Categories
Revolution

2000 – Via Transcendz.com


[ t e a c h e r ]
There has been an anniversary in my life….I let it go by without celebration, forgetting it, not having written it on a calendar. It goes beyond the numbers written within the grid of a calendar, beyond the understanding of anyone but myself. It is something that can only be measured by what i’ve learned. 7 years, of learning, or lessons, of change….. 7 years ago was when i first experienced a rave. 7 years of my life, i have contributed to my scene. Growing, thriving, alive and well in Toronto. After coming to the realization that i helped to build this. I helped to make it what it is today. United in dance. Strong and Massive, the older generations taking a moment to show the younger fledgelings how it’s done. Standing proud over the Toronto waterfront shouting at the world to stop and to listen. To really listen, to hear everything. To hear the words of the Technoshaman whispering into your ear, speaking to your existence, filling the void. Something which i believe many of the new generation of “ravers” have neglected to do. To take a second between doses and listen. Just stop and contemplate for a moment what brought you to this. It is no coincidence that you read this, it is no coincidence that this is what you were drawn to. Make the most of it, and realize….WHY you are here, and WHAT you can give it. What do you have, what can you provide to this world that no one else can. Look around you, look to the person beside you at these Tribal Gatherings and question everything. Think about the past, and why these “raves” began, who started them, look for once with respect for those who came before you in efforts to create something more powerful for generations to come. To be honest, the feelings i once had for the scene have subsided somewhat, i look to the fledglings with distrust and disbelief.I now wish for the first time in 7 years to be disassociated with what things have become. Things here are good, here i feel respect. When i travel i cringe. I cringe at the feeble interpretation of things. No contributions are made, the tribe simply walks away….So i guess i ask….to be proven wrong. For awhile i believed things could be revived, now i think they will have to be rebuilt. Taken back underground for repairs. I will never forget 7 years ago when i stood in front of the decks and watched with adoration and amazement of what was taking place in front of me. When i looked around with glazed eyes at the people around me smiling, waving, shouting back at the dj, to give them some more. Hearing the thuds deep inside my head, feeling the catharsis of a tribe giving thanks and a dj making love to his crowd. (the live p.a is a whole other galaxy) Looking to the stranger beside me and in one meeting of the eyes becoming family….Where has that gone? It’s synthetic sister is present, through the epidemic of ecstasy, but the real thing seems to have seeped through the scene. Bring it back. Bring back the moments where you entered your first gathering, and looked around with wide-eyed wonder, the time when you never wanted to stop talking about how it had the power to change the world, to change the way people think. Let your mind go back in time to when you first felt that ancient heavenly connection by looking into a stranger’s eyes, Think back to what it felt like to first feel the dj inside your mind, penetrating your thoughts, paralyzing your body and taking control of it himself, and ripping open your senses making you ask if you could ever really hear , see, or feel before now? Where did all of that go? If you’re still feeling it, make it last, if you’ve stopped feeling it , bring it back, and if you’ve never felt it expand your mind, explore your soul, it’s there. The summer is upon us, make it brilliant……

[ p r o p o s a l ]
I am in a beautiful relationship. I want to propose but it’s beyond words. It never argues. It never expects. It never questions. It is omnipotent and omniscient. It makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. It holds me when i need to be held, and often rocks me to sleep. It is the most fulfilling relationship i’ve ever had. It is music. There was a point when i became confused, when i believed it was the “rave” that i was so in love with….But music came through it all and stood blatantly in front of me, chanting my name. Recognizing my spirit, and holding my heart in it’s loving, soothing hands. Bringing me deeper into myself than i’d ever dreamt of going. Taking me somewhere no human being ever has. Knowing my soul, and grinding itself into me, screaming into my ear. That it was there. It would always be there. No matter where i travel, what i leave behind, where life’s path takes me. Whatever destiny throws onto my plate….It is there. A piece of me, like the greatest friend in the world. That any emotion it made me feel was acceptable, that the thumping would always be branded onto my soul. That the beat the speakers send venture like armies into my ears, invading every cell of my being, just to make me feel. I realize how in love i am. I realize that music will heal me. I know that when i am deep in the throes of my own head, there will never be silence. That no matter what happens there will always be music. That the “rave” is simply a gathering which is meant to unite, all of us who are significant others, all of us who are the wives, and husbands, of this force called “music”. I look with wide-eyed wonder to those who create my marriages, to those who make it all possible. To realize that their human destiny on this planet is to create, and channel the wisdom of the universe in musical form. Just a thank you….This generation, has the power to change the way things are. This generation of “ravers” “party-goers” etc etc…..has the knowledge to be in love with not only music, but the world. To change the face of not only music, but civilization. I may be putting to much faith in this concept. Maybe that’s all it is to some people. I have chosen for it to be more, for it to mean more. For it to be a direct representation of life, and love and human potential. I am in love. With ideas, with music, with people. To realize, is to begin to understand. Don’t wait for the realization to catch up with you, catch up with it.

[ t o u c h d o w n ]
Like the hand of God on the Sistine chapel it touches down without even a flaw. Beginning to spin like some new formed planet. Life is magic, and I suddenly feel drunk with the spin of things in front of me. The needle seems to retrace every groove with effortless action, and I become jealous of the vinyl’s fateful connection. The sheer discovery of it sends my mind racing and the rotations are hypnotic. Tracing over and over again, the detailed grooves that become a part of me so quickly. Moving at lightspeed through my ears and eyes and soul. I feel this new found friend already at home deep inside my mind. The light thrown across the tiny bottomless crevices has already managed to burn a pattern onto my straining eyes. Clinging to every cell of my being, every inch of my soul, I want to feel like this forever. It’s inside me. The music has pounded it’s way into me, deep into the heavy ventricles of my heart. Carving pathways as it wades it’s way through me like a saintly river. My eyes have become animated reflecting pools for the sounds invading the cells deep within me. The images are coming to me like flash cards and I feel the heat of the imaginary sun trace over me. I am etched into the moment. I realize how lucky I am to be hearing this, and it seems like the very first time. Each sound triggers a memory that’s yet to be had, flashing forward into an overlapping space and time. A face becomes apparent in the grooves as the bass drains what energy I have left, and then forces me back into action. I close my eyes and everything moves a bit faster as they reopen. I throw my arms into the air and shout in time with the heavens. I can feel every surge, every beat of electricity all contained within my soul charging it’s way into the future. Like some insurmountable obstacle I am here forever, holding on trying not to let it all overcome me. But I am no match, and I am overcome, it’s all I can do to hold on. Looking straight into the face of the Universe with pure, and utter wonder. I feel the infinite blackness of space, and shiny luminence of star envelope me, and i am kissed full on the mouth….but a new sound comes in and I feel the rush of water all around me. Running over me like waves, throwing me back, yet the comforting tantric rhythms make me beg for more. I am but a looking glass, and the next piece of the puzzle kicks me into action. As the world swings like a giant pendulum the theme song for my life has been written, with the great tribal smack of a drum. It beats with my heart and I suddenly feel like no one is qualified to drive this moment, like the music can. Like some kind of collosal interplanetary diamond it is all brilliantly flawless and nothing could be better or bigger. I’m being pushed toward the next plain, as it all builds, there is no end in sight. Ascension is imminent. Life bleeds nothing but wonder forever…..The entire stucture and strategy of it all drives me now and this composition is the sister of the Universe. Humanity has never seemed so lovely, and inevitably as the track winds to a stop I can hear the faint whisper of destiny’s voice from beside my bed….

[ m i l l e n n i u m ]
As this time approached I realized how long some of you have been a part of my life, and how some of you have just become a part of it. I am gratetful for all of you after almost 5 years of publishing this website. I have met such wonderful people and learned so much through the years. I can’t believe now that I am writing the fifth consecutive email for a newyear. Yet of all the things i’ve said I couldn’t mean any of it more than I do now. I have decided to write some new thoughts and to contain some old ones. I still can’t believe that what began the link with us was music, and a common community. Though over the years my views have grown and changed I still marvel at what this is that we are a part of….Below is the 1996 holiday email. I have contained it in it’s entirity because it is, after 3 years what I would say again. Life, and all that it has to offer can sometimes be overwhelming. The deluge of information, events, experiences, desires, and needs can sometimes lead one to withdraw, to be reactionary instead of responsive. In an overwhelmed state, we find it easier to lash out than to out. Sometimes seeming to define one’s world through the filters of criticism and cynicism (for one’s self as well as others) instead encouragement and praise (again for one’s self as well as others) And through this flood it is sometimes forgotten that we, within ourselves have the power and means to TRANSCEND the deluge, to shape our own world to be able to channel the unrelenting force into constructive avenues that can nurture the world around us, instead of destroy it… Little do we realize that at times, the first to bear the brunt of the destructive energy that we sometimes harness, are our own souls.
It is through that I have found Music has taught me how to fly using wings i never knew i had. Lifting me above the seemingly relentless tides of time and change. It is through music and dance that my soul is free to soar amongst the heavens and inner dimensions, allowing a clearer view into the nature of the world that i am creating around me (allowing a clearer view of us) It is there that i am able to discern the path to consciousness, that seemingly elusive inner light which is often dimmed by the trials we face on a daily basis. For now, the light is there for me, the path illuminated. I shall follow it again…. We stand together at the threshold of a new era. A new range of dimensions and possiblities. I invite you all to take my hand and join me as we move forward to dance brothers and sisters, dance…. We truly do stand together now at the beginning of something that few generations will ever live to see. A new millennium. Yet this time we are at a place that we will never be again, crossing the bridge from the primitive past to the third wave of the future. Advancement is in our hands and we will see the beginning and middle of this new century. Yet, how will we decide to proceed? I hope it will be with honesty, curiousity and unity. When the walls of what we are now a part of cease to be in conventional terms I hope that all of us may continue to wonder about where it is that we come from. Pondering the status of space and time, and questioning the origins of ourselves as well as the world and universe which we live. To borrow a statement from Derrick May, we have no choice but to move forward. The world is changing, and we are changing. We have this rare chance to sculpt the way that the world will become, with our own hands and minds. It is incredible as I write this knowing that you are spread out all over the world. And with these words I am able to reach out across geographic lines and wish you all joy, peace, wonder, health and happiness for the new year. Take care of yourselves and may this holiday be the most transcendental yet. Thank you,

Categories
Revolution

1999 – Via Transcendz.com

[ dot calm]
Proposal, opportunity, elevation. I wonder ever so softly and at this very moment I realize that calm is far sweeter than rushed. I wonder all of these things-life, light, illusion, faith, Throwing it all into the air, all of the worries. I am wondering if life bleeds as much wonder for you. Relaxed, poised, aligned with the planets. I hope that I am right. As I lay here I wonder what it would be like. Something tells me that it will all come to me. When the time is right. That the unexpected can be a hidden diamond in the rough. I am listening. Magic rises up from the pit of my stomach and I leave the burning past behind me. Entering into valleys and visions of peace. I feel like i’m falling so deep in life right now. Something is just about to shift. Everything has the doppler effect, and I run home

[ n e t w o r k ]
There’s a charge tonight, a faint electric ringing that immediately thrusts me into full consciousness. It makes me burningly aware of the heart beating in my chest. The energy pumping hot through my veins, the very essence of it all. You know there’s that moment when you just feel ‘it’, when nothing else matters but that refreshing charge of your very own soul, pulsing out it’s own beat. That instant of pure biofeedback, caught up in this great big complex biological machine. When every subtle movement shoots sparks of hot kinetic energy between your ears. What a marvel it really is that we’re all here on this planet hurdling through space and time on the tip of a galaxy just flying through this even bigger network called the Universe. How majestic. It seems surreal but it really is happening. We are floating through space on a big ball of dirt, metal and sky, just beginning to understand. There’s this origin of it all. This huge ‘where did this come from?’ and ‘where is it going?’ And here we are, these fleshy miracle machines wandering in the great abyss of it all as the sun rises and sets. And within all of this circuitry we achieve and we fail. Looking in on life, it all plays out like a labyrinth of epic proportions. It’s all turning and swirling into our final destinations. Like interstellar music, composed to the rhythm of the stars. Rushing through tunnels and wormholes in preparation for this brilliant arrival. It all came bursting out of thischarge in the air tonight. As the planets align overhead and the earth spins on it’s axis. The farmilliar moon grins boldly at us from its place in the night sky. It’s almost as if everything was meticulously sketched out on some intergalactic blueprint designed to guide us through each and every moment. It’s incredible to think that this is only just the beginning………………………

[ d i g i t a l ]
I inhale looking up at the stars I see through the rings of space and all around me it seems there was new life. Growing from my fingertips, extending to the boundaries of time and space, and whatever lies inbetween. My eyes open and I can see the sounds and hear the visions and for one brief moment there I was complete and content forever and ever. Fertile, was the great blackness of the sky, and inviting were the shimmering planets spinning far off in the distance. For one moment I wish that the people world could see through my eyes. I imagine how completely different everything would be if for a moment they too saw it…. When suddenly something draws me up past the clouds, past the stratus and I am being lifted far beyond the lights and far beyond the black,into colours I could never understand. Towards the great rust of the Martian soils, through the astroid belt and towards the overwhelming prescence of Jupiter, past Uranus and through the rings of Saturn beyond Neptune and Pluto and through the center of this massive Galaxy. I’m travelling past the whispy tails of the Milky Way. I am out further than any human eyes have ever seen. I am in overload, trying, fumbling to make sense of it all, up, up. I see my planet, so injured so bright. I see all that live there, I embark on the journey through the phyllum. I feel an overwhelming sense of pain and anguish for it all. No sense anymore of space or time or direction. I just AM. I look back at that galaxy where I live and it’s beauty overcomes every cell of my being. “How dare I wake up and not think of you.” I silently say to my home. The vividness of it all shakes me and I want to got back, I’m falling gently back to the pale blue dot now, never wanting my journey on this planet to end. It’s coming towards me this great blue being and I feel her smiling at me, it is my homecoming. Holding out her great arms to lessen the blow of my fall. Proud that I have evolved into who I have become. I am back again on her soils and like a journey that never too place I exhale.

Categories
Revolution

1998 – Via Transcendz.com

[herstory}
On the morning of March 8th, 1997 just two days before my nineteenth birthday my best friend Erin Muckle died in a car accident. She had just turned 19, and I hadn’t seen her in 3 months. Senseless. I remember the absolute guttural pain when I heard, and just the reflex in my hand causing me to drop the phone. She was the absolute closest person in the world to me. Everything went into slow motion, and my tongue was broken. Then came the angry tears….It’s 5 years ago, and it’s yesterday.
Erin and I were fast friends, we first spotted eachother through the patio doors of our childhood houses. At just 3 Erin had pointed at me through the glass and told her mother that I was her best friend. This, before we had even met. She was right. Funny thing, she was always right. Erin had a beautiful carefulness about her, she just felt. She was a brilliant presence and sometimes when I realize how rare that is in the world. I mourn for her all over again.
She was discovery to me. Everything I remember about being a kid involves her, every smell, detail, laugh triggers a memory of her. She and I spent most of our time together laughing.
It has been 5 years since her untimely passing. I am five years older, every year on my birthday I am reminded of how incredibly fragile it all is. I want to thank her, for giving me the courage to do all of the things I’ve done in the past 5 years. The will to stand up for what is right and to speak on behalf of what is good. For giving me the strength of will to try harder at everything I do.
They say that no one ever really gets over someone dying. Funny, i’ve never felt that our relationship was over, I just felt it had changed. Erin, i write this memorial for you in thanks.
 
Memorial.
You live in this place in my heart where rivers run so deep that th water is black. The sky rushes red with stormy electricity and everything you touch just slips through your hands no matter how tightly you clench your fists. The soil is like memories that just keep fading with each second that passes. This thing, the thing that I can’t begin to understand. This feeling I get where I feel so unbelievably sad, that I just close my eyes and feel that feeling again. Of sheer anguish and pain, and love all at once. That feeling that you never want to have again… I wonder, if I have become a bigger person since or only half of one. I look back at this defining moment and just close my eyes and try to make sense of it.
There are times when I feel you, like you’re yelling at me through glass, as I pass you on the street. I hear you, but it’s muffled I feel like you live in a world surrounded by a membraneous shield. Where you can see me, but you are still healing. Your eyes are new and I am just outside.
Talking about you feels like the first bite of a Godiva chocolate, it keeps you alive, keeps you close. Remembering the details is like an ice cold drink on a hot day. Whenever I laugh it reminds me so much of you.
I made you promises, and they kept me honest. You have taught me more in the past 5 years than I ever hoped to know.
You have helped me to live my life better, you are an experience of my soul.
Thank you for that. 

[ t i m e ]
I figured it was about time for me to write something insightful. Much to my dismay I discovered this month that my favorite promoters, the ones who made Toronto what it is today, are having some problems keeping things going. Perhaps due to funds and whatnot or the changes brought about in the scene. Dismay? Their dedication to the cause through the years to keeping the scene here brilliant, brings tears to my eyes….How will the loss of such a groundbreaking company affect Toronto? Syrous. This all made me think, debate, ponder. What can I do? I feel as if the ship is going down and I am the only one bailing out the water….with my hands. Everyone else seems to be just standing around picking lint off of their clothes. For the first time in a long time, the future of things here seems uncertain. I suddenly feel as though all my dedication has been flushed away into the hands of some negative adversary….Although today I received the announcement, that the show will go on. With a 4 year anniversary party in Toronto September 20th. If you are near, or can afford to be in Toronto for that date, the fate of Drum and Bass/Jungle promotion depends upon your existence that night. Perhaps the company will change hands, but will it ever be the same. Deep Blue changed my life. But that’s not really what I want to write about. I want to write about, those lint-pickers that i mentioned earlier. Those ‘passengers’ just standing around enjoying the scenery.I have recently become more worried with the fate of this subculture that we’re a part of. I feel as if i am handing my baby to a pack of wolves. Handing down what we’ve all tried to hard to build to a crowd who could care less about what things are to become. That saddens me for some strange parental reason. Now with the decay of huge organizations like Syrous, due to lack of funds, and support…..What have things become? Taking things back underground seems inevitable, but what are we to lose in the process? With all these thoughts looming in my head, and with my return home, I seem to have a different perspective. I suppose all this time has felt like an investment to me. Maybe what i have invested in is slowly losing it’s value. Yet i am struggling to come out of it all with a profit, as well as to keep things brilliant so that those who come after will be able to profit and learn as well. Maybe i am putting all my eggs in one basket here, but time has never felt so precious as those moments when i have stood face to face with destiny, and felt the music inhabit my soul. I want everyone to feel that. But will they? I suddenly feel like it’s up to me, to make it happen for them to provide the next generation with a wealth of experience to draw from….but is it? when is it time to walk away….for me…not now, not a month from now, not ever. I have had the priveledge of having this music branded forever upon my soul. I will remain with it, continue to invest my time, energy and emotion….but will you?

[ c o n v e r s a t i o n s with the u n i v e r s e ]
Life is presented on this galactic platter for us to live, to paint with. Angels are not mythical creatures. They are advanced souls living in the forth dimension. One full of energy and nothing else. No excuses, explanations, or wrong doing. Just purity. I suppose the second that one becomes coherent in this world, is the second one realizes thier capability. Human destiny. Full of potential, inner nature. It’s really bizarre to think of how little we as a civilization really know about ourselves. Distinction of “us” from “them” has never been a problem, it’s the distinction of oneself that has become viral. Never a dull moment on this planet. Always something to be doing, never usually anything to better humanity. Just something to better one’s place in the universe. Without knowing who the self is that you wish to ‘better’, self exploration becomes selfish. Everyone has that selfish drive within themselves, what varies is the amount which occupies one’s soul. Everyone claiming that they’re working towards something or other. Then taking off into oblivion along with the rest of the world. Life is lessons. Education. That is the secret of the universe. Life is one big school, and like school some students are willing to listen, some distracted, some don’t even understand the concept, and some can’t be swayed away for even a moment. Sometimes some students will require extra help, some enrichment, and so goes life. You know each one, the rarity? The scholar? No. There are plenty of scholars out there. The teacher is the rarity. The teacher that resides deep within oneself. Deep inside the scholar is the teacher. Forever teaching and forever learning. Yin Yang at it’s best. Two parts of the human self.. Teacher and Scholar. Combining to create the soul. The electrically charged force behind each of us. The principle reason why we are, the way we are. No interpretation. It just is. Goes without accessment. And well it should, and so the learning begins as a new soul is created by the powers that be. Thrown together, the map laid out, electrically charged, matched with a container to hold it, and born unto earth in the human body. The new soul has lessons to learn, mistakes to be made, rules to break, just a test run of the new parts. Finally ending with the completion of the first tier of it’s fate. Kindergarten if you will, and if all goes fairly well, graduating to the next level. Level 2 begins, similar, new rules, perfecting some of the lessons already learned and continuing on , until one day the soul has a self realization, self actualization, suddenly all of the souls lessons and days start flooding back. The soul becomes farmilliar, the soul graduates to the next dimension. Sometimes soul’s are “held back” in this school. Not yet ready to realize their journey, coming back to school again and again, until one day reaching true enlightenment and finally the Advanced soul gives back to the Universe what the Universe so selflessly gave to her. This change, this knowledge. This opportunity to become a part of this brilliant universal galactic machine with it’s infinite wisdom and worlds. While the lessons of life on earth continue on somewhere else in space and time. Those who have advanced, create. Bringing different elements to the Universe that never would have existed without their creation. The completion of several sectors and continuation of life and all it represents, spinning on it’s ever widening axis. That is distinction. ………
Categories
Revolution

1995 – via Transcendz.com


[ Perspective ]
Perspective is a curious thing. One moment you can be positive you know all there is to know about something, anything, and the next moment a tiny detail has the power to throw that whole universe of thought off its axis. In all of life’s brilliant mysteries there’s that one piece of everything that makes you comfortable. The movement of the clouds, the tick of a clock, the air in your lungs, the millions of stars out there. That tiny piece of sky that makes it okay, not be asking constant questions. The incredible discoveries lurking just around the next corner…. That sweetest detail, when all is right. Like a perfect symphony of sounds and thoughts all at once. All contrived in the heat of the moment, and the burning pulse of one second in your life. The film rolls on as it always has, the moon continues to pull at the oceans, and the steady beat inside your chest drives it all forward. Like coming home again after an extended abscence. That revelation that we’re all spinning in the bigger piece of it all helping you to let all the moments rush back by your eyes like movies. Almost like a warm hug of wine dancing through the entire system, and it’s all okay forever. Coming back out of the tunnel in somewhere new, and great and different, not so much later. With the grain, we all flow through the river of experience, changing direction, with perspective.

[ Era ]
Life, and all that it has to offer can sometimes be overwhelming. The deluge of information, events, experiences, desires, and needs can sometimes lead one to withdraw, to be reactionary instead of responsive. In an overwhelmed state, we find it easier to lash out than to REACH out. Sometimes seeming to define one’s world through the filters of criticism and cynicism (for one’s self as well as others) instead encouragement and praise (again for one’s self as well as others) And through this flood it is sometimes forgotten that we, within ourselves have the power and means to TRANSCEND the deluge, to shape our own world to be able to channel the unrelenting force into constructive avenues that can nurture the world around us, instead of destroy it… Little do we realize that at times, the first to bear the brunt of the destructive energy that we sometimes harness, are our own souls. It is through DANCE that I have found TRANSCENDENCE. Music has taught me how to fly using wings i never knew i had. Lifting me above the seemingly relentless tides of time and change. It is through music and Dance that my soul is free to soar amongst the heavens and inner dimensions, allowing a clearer view into the nature of the world that i am creating around me (allowing a clearer view of us) It is there that i am able to discern the path to consciousness, that seemingly elusive inner light which is often dimmed by the trials we face on a daily basis. For now, the light is there for me, the path illuminated. I shall follow it again….We stand together at the threshold of a new era. A new range of dimensions and possibilities. I invite you all to take my hand and join me as we move forward to dance brothers and sisters, dance….