|“Everytime I thought I got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet…”|
[What I Needed] 02-19-02
Haven’t written in ages, makes me feel guilty. I just made a decision. You know when you just wake up and know something has changed. I know it was just what I needed. I feel uncompromised, after a year of feeling nothing but. I am walking away, as unaffected as possible. Though it’s not without hurt, not without the pain and anguish of leaving something, someone, behind. Saying goodbyes comes easy to me. It’s the reasons behind saying them that take the time.
I fell. I lashed. I stumbled. At times life kicks me in the teeth and I remember everything previous. I wonder if I walked away would I be making a mistake. Principles are a funny thing. Anger sits in my heart, sets up camp and I get so mad that thoughts could evade me. That even if for an instant eyes were redirected. If thoughts of it were so good that it seemed stupidly worthwhile. Cry me a river. I fall behind. Listening to the undercurrents of a thing I thought I knew. It occurs to me now. I know nothing of it. This is true. Your tenure here is finished and I walk briskly with a closed fist.
Sickened. Nothing to say. Even less to think about. “Everytime
I wish it was again a time when I was younger..
No better explanation…Tugged in all directions.
.”Everytime I thought I got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet…”
Still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test
[July 16, 2002]
Seems that the last time I wrote I was at a crossroads too, how curious. Seems that I’m always at a crossroads. Amazing how life changes. I’ve just had the chance to be off of work for about 8 weeks. Just changed jobs and was laid off two months in, unexpected. Pretty amazing it doesn’t happen more often I guess. Luckily I’ve landed on my feet, I’m back on the path and excited to just get going. To get started. With so many changes I figured it was time, again, for a Transcendz.com facelift. Everything is a work in progress I suppose.
This past few months has been a time of great re-connections. Finding, and re-discovering….friends, family and most of all myself and my goals. A little selfish time to get reacquainted.
The city has been hot, and at times too cramped. Thoughts of relocating, getting out have passed. Seems I’ve always got my bags packed. This time, I chose to set them right back down.
Thanks to everyone in my life who has re-commited themselves. It’s been an incredible summer so far.
So glad we’re back in touch..
On the morning of March 8th, 1998 just two days before my nineteenth birthday my best friend Erin Muckle died in a car accident. She had just turned 19, and I hadn’t seen her in 3 months. Senseless. I remember the absolute gutteral pain when I heard, and just the reflex in my hand causing me to drop the phone. She was the absolute closest person in the world to me. Everything went into slow motion, and my tongue was broken. Then came the angry tears….It’s 5 years ago, and it’s yesterday.
Erin and I were fast friends, we first spotted eachother through the patio doors of our childhood houses. At just 3 Erin had pointed at me through the glass and told her mother that I was her best friend. This, before we had even met. She was right. Funny thing, she was always right. Erin had a beautiful carefulness about her, she just felt. She was a brilliant presence and sometimes when I realize how rare that is in the world. I mourn for her all over again.
She was discovery to me. Everything I remember about being a kid involves her, every smell, detail, laugh triggers a memory of her. She and I spent most of our time together laughing.
It has been 5 years since her untimely passing. I am five years older, every year on my birthday I am reminded of how incredibly fragile it all is. I want to thank her, for giving me the courage to do all of the things I’ve done in the past 5 years. The will to stand up for what is right and to speak on behalf of what is good. For giving me the strength of will to try harder at everything I do.
They say that no one ever really gets over someone dying. Funny, i’ve never felt that our relationship was over, I just felt it had changed. Erin, i write this memorial for you in thanks.
You live in this place in my heart where rivers run so deep that the water is black. The sky rushes red with stormy electricity and everything you touch just slips through your hands no matter how tightly you clench your fists. The soil is like memories that just keep fading with each second that passes. This thing, the thing that I can’t begin to understand. This feeling I get where I feel so unbelievably sad, that I just close my eyes and feel that feeling again. Of sheer anguish and pain, and love all at once. That feeling that you never want to have again… I wonder, if I have become a bigger person since or only half of one. I look back at this defining moment and just close my eyes and try to make sense of it.
There are times when I feel you, like you’re yelling at me through glass, as I pass you on the street. I hear you, but it’s muffled I feel like you live in a world surrounded by a membraneous shield. Where you can see me, but you are still healing. Your eyes are new and I am just outside.
Talking about you feels like the first bite of a Godiva chocolate, it keeps you alive, keeps you close. Remembering the details is like an ice cold drink on a hot day. Whenever I laugh it reminds me so much of you.
I made you promises, and they kept me honest. You have taught me more in the past 5 years than I ever hoped to know.
You have helped me to live my life better, you are an experience of my soul.
Thank you for that.